Pop Culture Crossover: James Bond (Best to Worst)

Originally posted by manhaterwiththegoldentongue [December 2015—]. Published elsewhere, this is the back-up article.

 

 

 

 

All of the James Bond films to date categorised from best to worst (from someone who's not that keen on Bond or action movies anymore).

--
What with the new film Spectre out in cinemas and lots of talk about who could be the next Bond when Daniel Craig decides to hang up his hat, I found I had the urge to watch what I remember to be the best film of the series, License to Kill. Before I got round to that though, I was interested to know what the reason was for Timothy Dalton only featuring in two films of the saga. With that I saw a quote from Dalton about how he didn't like the direction the series had taken in the few years prior to his involvement and that it was largely his idea to make the films grittier. And with that I decided that before I got to The Living Daylights and License to Kill I would put them into context by watching the entire series in chronological order. I didn't particularly want to, it was more of a compulsion. Action and James Bond aren't the sort of things I'm into these days - I've not seen the series in over a decade, not since I was a child, but to sit through it again could hardly be an exercise in torture, now could it? What follows are my personal and perhaps abstract observations and - to give fair warning - it's entirely conceivable that these may include some spoilers. And, seeing as this is about the length of a novella, I'll dedicate it to my old-friend-and-fellow-Bond-fan, Mr Ledger, whom I haven't seen for some considerable while. Wherever you might be, I hope you are well.


1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
2. Casino Royale
3. The Living Daylights
4. Goldfinger
5. Spectre
6. A View to a Kill
7. Quantum of Solace
8. License to Kill
9. Octopussy
10. Moonraker
11. Skyfall
12. Dr. No
13. From Russia With Love
14. Diamonds Are Forever
15. You Only Live Twice
16. The Spy Who Loved Me
17. For Your Eyes Only
18. Thunderball
19. Goldeneye
20. Live and Let Die
21. Tomorrow Never Dies
22. The World Is Not Enough
23. The Man With The Golden Gun
24. Never Say Never Again
25. Die Another Day


1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

Who's this dummy? As soon as the new Bond, played by George Lazenby, appears onscreen I'm eyeing him suspiciously. As a child I was never as struck on him as Bond, or never as struck on the film, whichever it was. On the VHS cover he looked suspiciously like a dolly with plastic hands, an action man. Who is this guy and why does he want to ruin my enjoyment? No, that's not really what I was thinking. Honestly, when you're young you'll watch almost anything to get to a good part while your imagination runs away with itself. A mournful Contessa walks out to sea - obviously I had a crush on Diana Rigg, she's easy on the eye. I don't know what camera or filter was used for this one, but it gives the film a very dramatic look. Quite a memorable opening scene. The title sequence is graphically strange - strange graphics, it's like something (Telly Savalas') Blofeld has fabricated to brainwash you with - and the whole patriotic British theme I couldn't care less about (stick it to the ma'am), although the instrumental is cool enough.



 

Lazenby presents us with a rather buoyant and youthful Bond. He ambles around as if he's looking for a social circle to involve himself with, game for small talk or some action and adventure. His one-liners seem more like he's talking to himself - soliloquy - which is sort of amusing and surprisingly effective. I've not seen Diana Rigg in anything else, but she was quite perfect for this. To begin with her character has an icy veneer, but it's not long before she warms to James Bond and in turn the audience warms to her. The film has a slow but steady pace which is all the more worthwhile because it actually goes somewhere, somewhere emotionally rewarding. When Bond wipes the tears from Tracy's cheeks, you know you're seeing something special unfold. 'We Have All The Time In The World' lilts and lingers with a certain poignancy.

Henchwoman Irma Bunt and big boss Blofeld, both brilliantly creepy. The scene with the girls in the lounge - 'angels of death', twelve of 'em - all fantastic, but particularly the whimsical Ruby. This was the first scene to win me over, along with its mind control subplot (which has real world implications that weren't yet public knowledge - Project MKUltra among others). Pretty purple presents. The angels may open their eyes, the angels may open their going-away gifts. They're given vanity cases with a twist - inside are compact receivers and perfume pathogens. This is quite cool.

 

Perhaps without knowing it Lazenby was able to effectively humanise the character of James Bond. In this film we see that he's in danger and we can believe that his mission is perilous. There's a vulnerability and (what with the romance) a sensitivity to him. This is how Bond should always have been portrayed, at least until the tragic dissolution of his marriage. It's understandable that he would be a little bitter after that, I just wish he didn't become such a pervert, it sort of disgraces the memory of his love. The Bond girls could have always been in the picture without the addition of juvenile quips and innuendos and machismo.

After his hair-raising escape from Blofeld's alpine cuckoo's nest and a high-speed ski chase, it's only natural that Bond would be feeling that maybe his luck was running out and seemingly intimidated he tries to blend in with the crowds. Then, Tracy skates in with an adorable outfit and a gorgeous fur coat on. A comforting sight if ever there was one. What's more, she offers to protect Bond, there's a bit of a role reversal. This woman here is so endearing and such a badass. That whole scene including the demolition derby and the morning after when they elope together was the second scene to really seal the deal for me - this is a great Bond film. Unlike the cheesiness of many of the others, here it feels like there's a tragedy waiting to happen. I mean, the villains aren't all talk and fancy dress; no, they're ruthless, cold-blooded, seething. I really believed OHMSS would make the lower of this list, so it's a pleasant surprise that it's shaping up to be one of the best. Tracy is surely one of the greatest Bond girls ever. She shows concern for Bond, defends herself and looks classy as all hell doing it. She had a great car to boot. Did you ever see a cooler - sexier - scene than that derby one? That was pretty cool. It makes a change to see a woman behind the wheel like that, and absolutely nailing it as she did, she was in control of it. So damn elegant. I think I still have a crush on her.

That's an incredible scene where they're skiing together and the enemy is hot on their trail, they look so ecstatic. It would have been great if there could have been more stories with the two of them as partners in crime-fighting. One can always dream about it.

Poster. Note the checkerboard pattern on the bobsleigh.

Fair play to the guy - George Lazenby that is - you've got to admire his spirit. An Australian model who had never before acted, taking over from the first Bond that audiences had familiarised themselves with, and he did a respectable job. It's a shame he didn't do more, but it's fortunate that he did any at all. Unfortunately, he dropped out and we got 12 years of Roger Moore instead. You get less for murder. Hilarious or lamentable, whichever way you look at it.



2. Casino Royale (2006)

More action than the contents of a child's toy box. Title sequence - virtual reality, cash graphics, a fiat money web-like matrix; wormholes, black holes and a sun, potentially a black sun. The theme by Chris Cornell is alright, the lyrics concerning as they often are. The post-title sequence with its le parkour stunts is quite good as far as action sequences go. This reboot has a feel more like Blood Diamond or the Bourne films, neither of which I've seen, though I wouldn't mind checking out the former sometime.

Other symbolism in the title sequence features a king and queen (as found in alchemy).

Fighting on a hexagon / cube.

We were in our early teens when this was out and myself and a couple of friends would argue as to whether Daniel Craig was any good for the role. I thought he was good, so did my friend Mr Ledger, but the other friend argued that he wasn't, that Daniel Craig was in fact rubbish in the part solely because of his fair hair.



James Bond giving Leatherface a good kicking.

This is Bond before he's corrupted? I guess he's soulless enough to go into this profession to begin with and the job takes it from there. This seems to be what Timothy Dalton was going for in terms of the nature of the character, only it's taken further. Daniel Craig's Bond is something of a burnt-out contract killer.

 

Microchip implant in left forearm. Bond. Bondage. "So you can keep an eye on me?"

It's been roughly two weeks since I watched one scene too many of Die Another Day and had to be institutionalised, I was fagged out. I've been anticipating Casino Royale, not just because it signals the last leg of the saga but because I do recall it as a good film. I really enjoyed it when I saw it previously, and this here - Eva Green as Vesper Lynd, the romantic subplot - is the main reason why.

James Bond is an orphan raised by the state. Hard-wired to follow orders. Vesper accurately deduces, amongst other things, that Bond views women as "disposable pleasures". He may be viewed as cool, particularly to a target audience of teenagers, losers, lowlifes and those who don't know any better, but historically, culturally, he'll always represent the archetypical misogynist spook.

I like the interplay that goes on here, the clash of the genders. Of course it's stereotypical, palatable, but it's entertaining nonetheless. Vesper ('evening star') is an embodiment of female sophistication and intuition, and when Bond tries on his usual post-pubescent tricks, she gives as good as she gets. Eva Green is gorgeous, délicieux, enchanting. She'd make a wonderful Circe.

In the shower scene we're shown a warmer side to Bond, 'scuse the pun. It's romantic, though I preferred it when I was hormonal. I suppose this is going back to the love affair of his lifetime, and he isn't a flat-out psychopath but a product of the system that raised him, a narcissist well in the making. I remember I saw somewhere a study that women subconsciously didn't take to this scene as much as men because when the camera pans out the toilet bowl comes into frame. For the percentage of females who were surveyed this inclusion seemed to put a damper on the flames of romance.

For once a decent game of cards and it spans like, what, twenty minutes of the runtime? My sense of time is practically non-existent. Still, there's just enough drama and tension here to keep things interesting.

Casino Royale is a revamp, forget the many motifs of old, this is the one where Bond and Le Chiffre try to guess each others' passwords, ha. Tearful Le Chiffre, the one-eyed bad guy with spinach breath. He does have two eyes but he's blind in the left one and weeps blood because of it. His only failing perhaps is that he doesn't get the proper treatment of a fight with Bond - no showdown, he's just shot by some gangbanger. Overall the film is a self-aware breakdown or case study of the dominant ego and the repercussions this has when it's been strengthened or reinforced for too long. The elevator goes down into the water, Vesper drowns in the subconscious mind, y'see, and this will continue to haunt Bond into a transformation.

 

Daniel Craig is probably the best actor in terms of ability to have played the role, but then again it was also required of him as part of this reinterpretation of the series. The others, aside from Dalton and Lazenby, were daft and crass really, that was all they were good for.



Notice the one eye symbolism and how the two O's of the title join to make a figure 8.

It's a smarter film, this. There's some interesting (if a little basic, mainstream) psychology, psychoanalysis and character studies, and compared to the bulk of the franchise it's well scripted and well cast.



3. The Living Daylights (1987)

That's a cool opening. I remembered wrong, I thought the opening with the old army jeep was License to Kill. For me there's no competition, Timothy Dalton is James Bond, he just didn't have enough of a chance to prove it. He was the coolest, the most collected.

It's a darker theme tune, certainly suited to the start, the pre-title sequence. A-ha? Now there's a surprise. It follows on comfortably from Duran Duran in the previous release.

A milkman.

Not a milkman. This is James Bond.

A milkman, ah, typically English, old English. And the countryside, something you don't see much of nowadays - all in the name of progress. From the lush green of old England to the communist grey landscapes of the Soviet Union or the bleak snowy plains of... wherever this is - Austria or someplace - where classical music is the only foreseeable escape, transcendence from the repression and a lingering melancholy.

Dalton's Bond doesn't follow orders too well, whether it's the orders of the country he serves or the orders of his libido. He has his head screwed on and, although hardened by his profession, he still shows that he can be sympathetic to those he's out to protect. This man has cool written all over him. He has it under control, even if it appears as if he's slowly losing his grip. Plus his car was probably the best of the heap, the Aston Martin V8.



There you go look, Austria, with ze nice rainbow.

"Nothing to declare. Just a cello." Who wouldn't want to ride a cello case down a snowy incline? I saw a clip of this online with Kasabian's song 'Empire' as the soundtrack, it really added something to it.

There's an empathy and emotional depth beneath Dalton's brooding demeanour. He's not panting and slobbering over the women that he meets on his assignments. Keep it in check, y'know. Don't act like a desperate man-child. Connery and Moore were sell-outs through and through, they sold themselves short in their time.

I can only imagine what it would have been like if Dalton had agreed to sign on to A View to a Kill. Octopussy and those just prior to it were strictly Moore, but I can see with some revisions that A View to a Kill could have worked for Dalton. And what about Goldeneye? Dalton was set to be in it but the studios were embroiled in a legal dispute which took some time to clear up. I bet it would have been darker and richer had he been involved.

The film score is sophisticated, and we're beyond the silly sparkler-like explosions of the '70s and early '80s. There's an edge-of-your-seat finale in the warplane. The scenes of action although sparse are far more epic and credible. Dalton's Bond deals in sly remarks - there's not a lot of time for humour or to catch a breath which is both The Living Daylights' strength and weakness. A little equilibrium wouldn't have hurt.

'James Bond will return.' Cool and collected.



4. Goldfinger (1964)

Great title sequence with visual projections on a woman's gold-painted body and a fantastic theme tune with its dramatic instrumentation. There's a cracking bit of film score directly after the title sequence as well. This is a classic Bond film, it has practically all the trademarks that the series would become known for, and it's everything the first and second film should have been. Dink (the poolside masseuse) is gorgeous, she should have been a Bond girl. She was played - albeit briefly - by Margaret Nolan, the gold-painted beauty in the title sequence and closing credits. Main villain Auric Goldfinger is introduced, has that look about him that he'd be an undesirable type. Henchman Oddjob completes him. Never has a game of golf been so bearable, so watchable, save for the scene in Norman Wisdom ('The Early Bird'). Overall, Goldfinger is quite a good film, has a nice ambience to it, feels very post-war, a little slow-paced but with some memorable moments which draw it together; such as the final shocking encounter between James Bond and Oddjob.

Margaret Nolan filmed for the golden title sequence on a checkerboard floor.

5. Spectre (2015)

Epic beginning, epic in scale. Had no idea that the man in the skeleton costume was Bond until seconds before he removed his mask. Either I'm stupid or that was brilliantly clandestine. I know it's the latter because I have an IQ of 187 and I didn't suss it, that and Daniel Craig is a great actor. I'd probably say he's the most likeable of the line-up. Lazenby was a likeable chap but with only the one J.B. film under his belt he didn't have a chance to come into his own or do anything substandard which may have worked against this image. That said, he may still be my favourite. Dalton was likeable, too, but his persistent sombreness may have made him a little less accessible. I think to a large extent Daniel Craig has been able to find a balance between the harder edge of the character and the apathy and insecurity that he's saddled with.

Epic - I really like the extended tracking shot. On the rooftops again, but this time the roofs are brought down. I've read that Christopher Nolan would be interested to direct a James Bond movie. I can see it happening with the direction the series has taken, not that I want to. There's a pursuit through crowds of people and a fight in a helicopter. It's difficult to say whether this is an homage - i.e. throwbacks to Live and Let Die and For Your Eyes Only - or just a repetition of a limited amount of action scenarios. What it is, however, is more ambitious than the scenes that it bears a resemblance to. It's to be expected when you consider that Spectre is one of the most expensive films ever made. I personally don't think it shows. Yeah it's a box office hit, but it's not that spectacular.

Writing's On The Wall: Sam Smith wears the SPECTRE ring.

The title sequence is striking, kind of stylish - maybe this is where a lot of the money went. Cephalopod ink, murkiness of the depths, shadows, shards of glass, possessive tentacles and other related octopus imagery. It's quite dark, easily the darkest so far. Sam Smith does a good job with the theme. When heard in the context of the film it works well, but I'd have to agree that the unused Radiohead theme was incredible, transcendent. Both themes are each band's interpretation of SPECTRE ('the octopus') and what it means to - or for - them on a personal level. A network of people in the shadows beneath an omniscient entity. Skulls and fire, two pillars (any relation to Boaz and Jachin?) and an elite council of men, a shadow government, fictionally presided over by a supervillain. Then there's a shot to a kaleidoscope of eyes - almost identical to the effect used in METROPOLIS, I'd be surprised if it wasn't meant as a nod to the plot of that film, and I really do mean the plot. The last image of the title sequence is of the SPECTRE ring which has an emblem of the octopus engraved on it.

Mention is made of Bond being in the dark (old world) and that the new world is being implemented which will be "light". The question is, will it be true light?

Naomie Harris as Miss Moneypenny was a nice touch. In many ways Skyfall and Spectre were a further reboot of the saga after the issues with QoS.

Gargantuan developments are underway. MI6 has changed headquarters, a new building for new representatives. Drones are replacing the need for intelligence agencies and government bodies to do the dirty work. A "New World Order" is to string together nine countries under one body of surveillance. Nano technology gets a plug, 'smart blood' to be exact (which isn't currently acknowledged as a reality; it hasn't been dished up for public consumption), but it's similar in theory to the idea of a microchip in the old hand or wrist.

Who or what is the 'pale king'? Does it hold any significance beyond the confines of this one film?



There's this book, for example, which was
posthumously released after the author's suicide.

And Marilyn Manson's latest album is titled 'The Pale Emperor',
although this is said to be after a nickname for the Roman Emperor Constantius I.

Bond worms his way in with a widow, dignified as ever, and she opens up about her late husband's involvement with SPECTRE. She says he was obsessed, spent more time with them than with her. The things they could do, the power these men have. They hardly ever meet, say once a year, but on this occasion they meet at midnight (if that's of any relevance) to decide on his replacement. "If you go there you're crossing over to a place where there is no mercy."

The secret meeting is held in one of those grand old buildings, the sort that has the ornate decoration and architecture, pillars and marble embellishments. Bond gives a hand gesture to reveal the SPECTRE ring on his finger. A lot of suited older people, mostly men, one woman that I can see, before these shadowy businessmen make an entrance, clearly respected by all present. Global affairs are being reported and discussed around a huge table. Vaccines, drugs and "...challenges from the WHO (World Health Organization) and their campaign against our counterfeit pharmaceuticals...." "We expect the same successes we had against the council on human trafficking."

The stringing together of the nine countries' security services is referred to here as the Nine Eyes Committee. "Alone we are weak, together we are a(n) (unelected) global power." This is above and beyond the government, government is just for puppets.

Mr White has been poisoned with thallium due to disobedience. You'll know if you've been watching since Quantum that Mr White is - or was - one of the bad guys. He was playing the game - notice how this is relayed to Bond with a chessboard between the two of them - but had a change of heart when it was discovered that this scheme will implicate women and children. Bond is told that the enemy he seeks is "everywhere, he's sitting at your desk, he's kissing your lover, he's eating supper with your family."

Of the new HQ, new world C says, "...this building will be the most sophisticated data gathering system in history, the world's digital ghost, available 24/7."

"George Orwell's worst nightmare," old world M responds. "I know surveillance is a fact of life, it's how you use the information that concerns me, and who is using it."

C weakly argues, "This is what we need to do to keep the people safe."

Safe from what exactly? Terrorists? Ha, that's a laugh. One's own country is just as terroristic as any other. An anti-terror legislation is being pushed for in the UK which classifies an extremist as anyone who is outspoken in their disagreement or disillusionment with their government. A similar bill (C-51) was passed in Canada almost a year ago. We're all terrorists now, so what's the fuss about? Let's throw a party to celebrate, a big blowout. One must recognise that these new laws themselves are a form of terrorism with their tactical use of intimidation to prevent the public from challenging or opposing their government. Anyone who is deemed to be guilty of doing so will face prosecution.

Backwards thinking, Ministry of Truth (Nineteen Eighty-Four)

"...to keep the people safe." Seriously, do people not feel safe? If not, whose fault is that? If people are fearful because of the propaganda in the media which they willingly open their minds to, why are they then going to trust these same bastards to offer a solution? You do know that these media outlets are within their right to fabricate and distort the news which they report on? It's not unlawful. Look into the Akre-Wilson case. “We agree with WTVT that the FCC’s policy against the intentional falsification of the news – which the FCC has called its “news distortion policy” – does not qualify as the required “law, rule, or regulation” under section 448.102.”

"You'll watch MI6 agents?"
"We'll watch everyone."

Members of the committee, the SPECTRE organisation, infiltrate other systems, positions of power and great influence, in order to bring into effect their 'visionary' plans of a new world order.

It makes you wonder why people didn't take to this film - was it something they'd rather not face up to? The general consensus (aside from the critics who either praised it or slated it) seems to be that it was okay, alright, good at best and banal at worst.

Maybe I'm about to answer my own question. The highlight of Spectre for me, sparing the central theme, is the moment Bond aims a gun at a cute little mouse and you think 'oh Christ, here come the psychopathic tendencies', but instead he solemnly asks, "Who sent you? Who are you working for?" Ha, that got to me, it did.

Whatever, it was a better film than most of these monstrosities. I think so. I think Sam Mendes has done a good thing overall for the sake of the franchise.

Bond and Swann, Madeleine Swann, 'not a Bond girl'.

In my opinion, Christopher Nolan isn't an appropriate candidate to direct a James Bond feature, though I've little doubt he'll have his way. Besides, what's it got to do with me? He's epic at his craft and I dare say he's in a position where he'd make a brilliant propagandist for political agendas, too, were it expected of him. It'd be bloody ineffectual of 'em were they to not make use of such a far-reaching medium as cinema. Anyone who believes otherwise is— let's just say they're more blissful than I. Anyway, I digress, I just don't reckon Nolan would be suitable. You've seen Batman and Inception, they're on another level. The vast majority of the Bond films, however, are sort of hammy in one sense or another. Take that away completely and it's not Bond anymore. No matter how much one has to reflect the times, Mendes has at least kept an air of tradition about his directorial input to the series which from a fan's perspective is surely a blessing. In time I think Spectre will be recalled more favourably.



6. A View to a Kill (1985)

What's this doing here?! I hear you ask. I hear myself asking the same question. I'm not saying it's a good film per se but for me it is more entertaining than those which fall below this mark. In terms of the craft of filmmaking, those such as Dr No and From Russia With Love could be said to be superior but they burn too slowly for my liking and don't pay off.

It feels good after Never Say Never Again to be back in the safety of someone a bit younger. Okay, someone who looks a bit younger - I just checked and Moore's in fact older in this than Connery was in NSNA. I've missed the classic motifs it has to be said, but not the infectious Beach Boys. The score was doing fine as it was. When I saw a standalone clip of this scene elsewhere I honestly thought someone had added this song as a joke. 'East coast girls are hip... I wish they all could be California girls.' Bearing in mind the opening is set in Iceland, the country not the supermarket, and there are no girls (or mums) in sight. It's roughly dropped in the mix as well. It fades out and the film score bumps back in with its intangible front fender.

Neon fingernails and fluorescent body paint. The theme tune can be forgiven, Duran Duran did alright. Might have done better without the contrast of a forty-second sample of 'California Girls' beforehand, but hey, clashing is what the '80s did best. The phallic nature of the gun is put to full use, emissions aimed at the naked bodies and open mouths of women. Thunderball's title sequence saw a harpoon shot into the nether regions of a female deep sea diver. It's that arranged marriage of sex and violence which sells so well.

Oliver (plot) Twist: Kenneth Moore, a new breed of agent.
"Please, sir, I want some Moore."

Kenneth Williams as James Bond. It may as well have been. Then there's Grace Jones modelling a lampshade. That image has never quite left me. Seriously though, what is she wearing? As a general rule always blame the '80s for all things garish and cringeworthy. As a nemesis she's a tough titty, especially against a Bond who's about ready to kick off his shoes, put on his slippers and read the Sunday paper, but we don't get to see how a scrap would have turned out as she soon converts to the Bondian way. I'll tell you how it would have turned out, it would have ended in tears.

The scene with the Eiffel tower and ensuing pursuit was a good'un, but the stunt doubles for Moore are ridiculous. It makes me recall the Big Train sketch with the film editors - they decide to keep in a cut of a black man in a blonde wig as a stunt double for a white actor, ha. It's almost that level of ridiculous. I can't remember which it was but in one of the films Moore had an old lady for a stunt double. It's true - my friend's father's cousin said so. The old lady wore one of those plastic Roger Moore masks, the sort you get at fancy dress shops.



Mask of Zorin: Boris Johnson - nowadays commonly
known as Boris Zorin - laughing to himself about something.

Max Zorin is one of the more outlandish villains, played suitably enough by Christopher Walken. I haven't made many notes, I've been preoccupied with dumbing down to the film. There's a lot of nothing much at all going on. Stacey Sutton is cute. She embodies the good of the eighties, the feathered hair, the sparkling eyes. I presume this was quite a big budget release at the time, maybe to compete with Never Say Never Again which commercially went, like, nowhere. There are a lot of big moments, locations and sets. It's an action-packed and entertaining film with that hair-raising finale up on the Golden Gate Bridge. Who watches trash like this for plot anyway? I wouldn't bother. One can pick up on a bit here and there as it bulldozes through, sometimes you gather a sort of predictive programming from the storyline, but what else is one supposed to take from it? It's just a JOI, a distraction. Say what you like about it but it doesn't stop it from being fun. Call it a guilty pleasure, whatever makes it acceptable.

7. Quantum of Solace (2008)

Whatever I try and do with this it remains one of the worst write-ups. That's what I get for forcing myself to write when I'm dispassionate about something. I'd like to think I've learned my lesson.

It's the moment I've been dreading, Quantum of Solace (with its shaky-cam obsess-a-thon n' lightning fast cuts) and its successors.

Title sequence, web of creation.

A ring of women around a sun. Oh I see.

Hieroglyph-style poses and art.

Sun in the background, sure looks like it has a ring around it.

'Silhouette of a man', shadow of the sun.

Plenty of sun symbolism in the title sequence, plenty more where that came from. Jack White and thingy's 'Another Way to Die' is one of the better Bond themes to date. It's not your typical Bond theme, but I'm not the type who's here to mind about that.

'Another Way to Die' music video sees them out in the desert
following the theme of the film. As you can see it looks really... real.
It looks like a hatchet Photoshop job I just gone and done.

So lightning fast is the camerawork and editing that the film is considerably shorter in duration (1-hour and 40-somethin' minutes) which is a godsend.

Alicia Keys, that's her name. When I first heard the song (a few years before I saw the film, got the t-shirt, et cetera) I held that Jack White and her should have worked on a whole album together. Perhaps he didn't choose to write the theme with her, it's more likely it was an executive decision. Still, it's a good song. Ya know, I think Janelle Monae and her ensemble of musicians could write a great Bond theme.

Janelle Monae and her B&W posse, but mostly black.

Janelle Monae cut from the same cloth.

Janelle Monae and her ensemble of selves with barcode microchips on their wrists.
Transhumanist skull, crystal clear. Electric Lady - El - with the old sun sparkling.

ANYWAY. More free-running. Somebody's played it safe by recycling what worked in the previous film.

Here I wrote something nonsensical about excusing a fictional continuity error in the plot, the backstory, which saw Le Chiffre (of Casino Royale) and Largo (of Never Say Never Again) raising a baby together out of wedlock and giving it a name. That poor bastard grew up to be Dominic Greene, the villain of this film.

In a 2012 study this film was found to be the most violent of the series. I dunno if the following two surpassed it, I'm not interested enough to find out.

Quantum is a sect of SPECTRE - the octopus (with a tentacle in every pie; industry; global affair) - a union of powerful businessmen and government operatives. Speaking of the octopus, I'd like to take this opportunity to honour Danny Casolaro for the research he conducted on this very real matter. Rest easy, DC. I believe they're making a film about his life, his investigations, so that's something to look out for.

I can now better appreciate what they were going for with the style of this, the fast paced camerawork makes it more convincing. It's self-explanatory but when I watched this the first time it was a factor I found difficult to overlook.

People seem to talk shit about this villain. What are you after, people? Twits with distinguishing features like scars and peg legs or believable creeps with psychopathic charm and an underlying Dorian Gray ugliness? The real crooks of this world are pretty average-looking - except for when they hold parties, eh. The only thing that significantly sets them apart from you or I is their criminally overabundant (well above average) net worth.

Rothschild 1972 surrealist ball.
Interesting to note the Saturn symbolism on the right; the planetary body, ring and eye.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term 'stag night'.

Rothschild 1972 surrealist-themed party. Casually broken dolls.

Saturn theme, left, right and centre. Well, maybe
not on the right - she's just another brick in the wall.

'One of the biggest criminals I ever met wore a suit and tie.' - Suli Breaks

Whoops - Bond's wearing a suit and tie, he must not have got the memo.

It just dawned on me that this Bond behaves, he's not salivating like Pavlov's dog. Huh.

Global-warming as a pretext? They either mean to reveal truths through the medium of film and television productions or it's a means of predictive programming before actual events take place on the world stage. The eye candy and titillating qualities fill a hole while the script is absorbed on a subconscious level for later desensitising use.

Daniel Craig did a commendable job though, he's a good actor. The only other film I've seen him in is Enduring Love. That was an alright film. Am I selling it to you? I'd rather watch that than a Bond film, it was truly alright.

Non-stop action aside, Quantum of Solace has been alright, too. This reboot is firmly for the Bourne generation. Personally I'll take the Bond movies any day over Matt Damon and his dubious output.

A dark homage to Goldfinger with a naked woman (went by the name of Strawberry Fields) lying on a bed, covered in crude oil... dead. It's nearly as impactful as the scene it's a nod to. He's earned himself a new name for this, Dominic Blackfinger or Blackgoldfinger. I thought he was supposed to be mister green fingers, but he soon spoiled that image.

Amazing it's almost over, twenty minutes left. What could happen in twenty minutes? I suppose the credits could abruptly stagger in with some drunkard wailing from them like a round of karaoke. When this doesn't happen I feel cheated somehow.



8. License to Kill (1989)

This was so brutal. It's part of the reason I think I liked it so much as a kid, it was the 'certificate 15' one. It was a jolt to the franchise to revive it after Moore was finished with it. It's coming back to me now, the opening scene. Doesn't compare to the Moonraker skydiving intro though, I will say. I knew Sanchez as one of the Fratellis in The Goonies. He's bad news overall. The theme to this is like hearing Michael Jackson sing a Bond theme; it's part average pop song, part big Bond orchestra.

Hey, the DEA agent is Ed from Twin Peaks. I can't imagine him as anyone but the warm-spirited guy that owns the gas station. His name is Ed here as well, he's leading a double life. Traitor!

Dario (Benicio Del Toro), how could I forget that face? Sharp looks, pretty mean-looking - but he's not so tough, he's a whippersnapper.

Sanchez is definitely the villain you wouldn't want to mess with, he means business. I remember the late night in the 90s when this was on TV. Not sure if I stayed awake through it all, think I did. Think I taped it, too. This is the stark reality of mafia brutality. It's quite nasty, they really went to town with this one. I can see that people might feel this was a departure from the classics. Apparently it's closer to Ian Fleming's vision of the character though. If I said that the villains in OHMSS were ruthless, then this is a whole different level of ruthless, a different kettle of fish. "Genetically engineered fish." These are real undesirables, greasy criminals. The only trace of Felix Leiter - or someone else - having been at the marine research centre front are bits of bone and cartilage swept into a small pile.

The Living Daylights was hanging on to what was still expected of the series. I think it would have been better to let go of any preconceived notions as to what the series was supposed to offer. License to Kill manages to do so much more within the medium in just half an hour than TLD achieves in a whole film. It's an unforgiving look at the world of agents and the seedy underbelly of organised crime which has its roots in many sectors of society, especially those that many people would never suspect. That said, it's quite a jolt to the senses going from the light-hearted successors to the harshness of this. I felt comfortable before. We're so used to diluted or acceptable versions of the truth that the injustices of society are enabled to be perpetuated.

I couldn't remember what the Bond girl (Pam Bouvier) in this looked like at all. She's charming, provocative. But, see, we'd rather feast our eyes on the candy of the screen, whatever form that might take - a glorious fireball or a beautiful person - than talk or think about the issues which are destroying our values and quality of life. We want to be stimulated and titillated and jerked off, so to speak. They know this, the directors. I basically just paraphrased something Quentin Tarantino said. He once said of his craft, "I'm jerking off the audience."

Even with short hair this woman is cute. She's another Bond girl I'd want on my side, she holds her own. There's not a lot of room for the women in Dalton's two films to be taken advantage of, so that's a plus. Bond has messed with Sanchez instead. The heat is on in this last half an hour, it's quite good. That child can fly a plane. She's got everything, I really like this girl. One of the more thrilling final sequences, even if it's just for the ending it's worth seeing and assures it a higher ranking.

'James Bond will return'. Unfortunately he will not. Should have done Goldeneye, Dalton!

Oh well.



9. Octopussy (1983)

 

Karate chop to the back of the neck. What kind of a move is that? I used to ponder as a child. Couple of soldiers are pulled from a vehicle by the flax of their parachutes, a humorous sight. Nice try at opening the film. Has to be the worst theme tune so far, a bit flat, but the singer remains steadfast, 'all time high'. Will this film turn out to be an all-time low? The '80s. Recognise the recurring theme of nymphets in the title sequences to the series, one or more of the producers presumably had a thing for that. I'm also reminded of the depictions of women in Ancient Egyptian art.

Jewelled egg. More than anything this reminds me of James Bond 007 (Gameboy game, 1998 release). It used plots and aspects of the different films and made something handheld-epic from them. It was a good game. Nostalgia doesn't trap me much anymore though, and I don't have time for videogames. I'm a hermit, I live in a shed in the woods and for fun I like to count as high as I can.

009 couldn't have been much of an agent, he was running away, pacifistic, honking his big red nose so that the baddies knew where to find him. What a clown.

Direction: 'Ladies, if you can bear to, look at Bond as if you're not utterly repulsed at the mere sight of him. Sort of smile like you're interested.'

Kamal's own Oddjob, the turban guy, busting dice instead of golf balls.



Roger Moore's watch with booby screensaver.

Moore's Bond puns are the worst and what makes them worse is that they are unrelenting. He's the sort of person you'd have to force smiles around and summon up laughs. It's tiresome to hear the puns slapped down like cards in a game of snap and it's extra tiring to hear how tired Q is of them. Yes, completely adolescent! As if women were ever really comfortable with this kind of sexually predacious behaviour. Not strong women anyway. It's amazing that he can even get through a mission, he's got sex on the brain like literally every seven seconds. 007 seconds. Forgive my diatribe - I'm not a feminist; I'm all for equality - but it has to be said, the guy's a loser. If this is the image of how a man should be, then count me out.

What is up with that turban guy? Ha. He's so temperamental.

The dinner table scene, the stealthy sneaking around Kamal's mansion and the jungle poaching of Bond are pretty good scenes. There's a whole hog roast of villains in this. Kamal is a slimeball. His henchman, Gobinda ("that guy with the turban") is an intense type. There's an array of freaky-looking cats, mad Babas and Grischka and Mischka, the twin knife-throwers. By their nature they're supposed to miss, so that's still not saying a lot for the suitability of 009 as an agent. Doesn't matter, he's out of the picture now. Octopussy has some memorable scenes and an admissible pace.



10. Moonraker (1979)

It's probably considered blasphemy but I'd rather watch this than, say, Dr No or From Russia With Love, the classics - if they don't hold my interest or entertain me then I don't see the point in them ever being on. The skydive opening to this is brilliant - very memorable - but the stunt doubles for Jaws and Bond look a bit daft, they've got their own thing going on, not unlike bad bastard Hugo Drax with his cups of tea and little triangle cucumber sandwiches.

Title sequence, a dreamy theme.

Enter girl-next-door Dr Holly Goodhead - one of the best? She doesn't fit the conventions of the series. She's sweet, very pretty but modest, and her presence is a real high point to this.

Drax's two-timing secretary, Corinne Dufour.
'When the dogs begin to smell her...'

'...will she smell alone?'

The scene with the game shooting has that classic Bond feel to it, after that the film sort of keels over wheezing and clutching its chest. With all his other indulgences I'm glad that Bond decided against plucking a pheasant from the sky, choosing instead to shoot a sniper out of a tree. Then, having outstayed his welcome, he toddles off. Drax sets his dogs on his own secretary, Corinne Dufour, after she slept with Bond and bequeathed to him the code to Drax's strongbox. He said, she said. It's a great piece of cinematography, quite powerful, there should have been more scenes of that standard in the series.

It's funny because Moonraker gets off to a relatively good start but ends up resembling a slice of ham or - a little more concretely - a spoof by Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker.

Picture David Icke as the titular character. No, you can't, you can't picture it, can you? Roger Moore reclines on a gondola - holidays in Italy and caravans in Malta - suped-up so that he can pompously hover ashore and make a big song and dance as he sweeps the streets of Venice.

Jaws is back of course, he never left. He's informally introduced in a big old clown costume as he stalks the alleyways of Rio, and he goes in for the jugular, imitating Dracula in the back streets. He's like the BFG; good heart, if a bit heavy-handed at times.

Holly Goodhead helping Bond. She should have let him drop.

There's a cool scene up in the mountains centred around a pretty little cable car. Jaws drops in unannounced. "I might have guessed," mutters Bond. I find this mildly amusing because to me it sounds like he says "I might have guest." There are many memorable scenes unleashed in this one film alone, not necessarily for the right reasons. It's also terribly slapstick. Like, Jaws falls in love - you could never have seen that coming (unless you've watched this before, and even still....)

Bath time - suspend your belief.

The locations and sets - jungles, waterfalls and Aztec temple - are opulent. Entheogenic notes of John Barry's 'Bond Lured To Pyramid'. Drax isn't too happy because Bond killed his pet python. Actually it was very clearly a rubber snake, but, whatever you do, don't tell Drax that.

"And the animals went in two by two." Oh yeah, the plot, the plot is global genocide. A master race is saved up in space while a social cleansing sweeps the Earth in the form of a— I don't know actually, I must have missed that part— a 'flood' of chemicals presumably, but yeah, the plot concerns eugenics. As for the physics in this movie, they're not too wonderful, you'd think someone might have had the courtesy to inform the filmmakers of a thing or two - this was a decade after the infamous moon landing. None of us know for sure about space apart from what we're told and what we're shown. This film dies a slow death, the ending feels tacked on with meat glue, just a sliver of ham. These dusty space fights - (groan) - with lasers and pratting about aplenty. A blatant cash-in on the Star Wars franchise, another saga of which I have no investment in, absolutely zero. That's the thing about Jaws, he is likeable, whichever side he's giving hickeys on. "Well, here's to us." The useless eaters drink up. For all of its ridiculousness, there's a lot to like about this film. On second thoughts maybe there's not a lot to like, but it is watchable, even if it's just for Holly Goodhead.



Isn't she cute? Everybody wants a Lois Chiles pet in '79.



11. Skyfall (2012)

I was originally subjected to Skyfall at someone's house, it was a total drag which left me in a heap on their floor.


A bit of a black sun is the pupil, the rays of the iris.

Uncapped pyramid, maybe Columbia caps it.
Pyramidal cloud enlightened at its apex.

WELCOME. The MGM ident has had a CGI makeover. The camera zooms out of the roaring lion's eye. The lion is another symbol for the sun and its disciples. Then there's Columbia on top of a pyramid, an illuminating goddess.


Peekaboo hair. Horus of Babylon (bad joke).

Peek-a-boo.
'You may have my number, you can take my name.
But you'll never have my heart.' - Skyfall



Pre-title sequence, this time we'll have them jumping from rooftops... on motorbikes! M's whinging down the earpiece, "Are we there yet?" Title sequence - Adele? I'm indifferent. Many of these themes are quintessentially about the same things. The imagery of the deep (subconscious), the shadow aspect of the psyche, the eye symbolism, the form of a skull and psychological (mystical) death, graves and Celtic knots which turn into stag heads, fire and serpentine dragons, kundalini, mirrors, ego and deception, fractured psyche or dissolved ego, the heart's filthy lesson - transient, a house built on sand... These are just the visual themes, then there's the auditory, the literary; the lyrics are clear as to their meaning, providing you have at least a basic knowledge of religion and the esoteric. The visual themes themselves have religious and occult connotations and are woven into the film's narrative.

Bond takes a plunge.

Captain Scarlet end title card (Ron Embleton's evocative art).

Although, looks-wise, Daniel Craig is more Blue than Scarlet.

Bond hasn't just a chip in his arm, he's genetically engineered to impress you. He's shot from a moving train as it crosses a bridge which sends him falling from a deadly height into a river where he's carried away by the current and down a waterfall. Next minute he's shacking up with a woman in god knows where. This indestructible man will show what he's worth - Captain Scarlet!

I presumed at the time that this would be a good film, a big film, however you wanna put it, what with Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men) as a villain and American Beauty director Sam Mendes on board. As I've said, I never set out to see it, it was forced upon me with specula to keep my eyes peeled. I began to feel really sick but I could not shut me glazzies. And even if I tried to move my glazzballs about I still could not get out of the line of this picture. Get me up, I'm going to be sick! Get something for me to be sick in!

What I mention of the themes in the title sequence, the film— these films are especially allegorical.

I'm just sat here watching - about halfway through - it's alright, I almost have the patience for it this time. Action in this particular format doesn't appeal to me. I guess last time I watched this I generally didn't follow the dialogue in movies so consciously or with such intrigue as I do now, so I didn't find it to be a rewarding experience. Nowadays I'm most fulfilled by the interaction of characters, allusions made in the storyline, script and set design...

It begs the question, if you're not watching films for these reasons, what are you getting from them?

Skyfall delves a little deeper into the shadows with Bond being revealed to have an alcohol and substance addiction. The villain, Raoul Silva, explores Bond's body in a suggestive manner, though this might have been used as a narrative device to intimate Bond's own past and sexual escapades. People are evidently so infatuated with and hung up on the surface of things. What is there to idolise about a man who has no self-control or self-respect, little respect for others, whose heart continues to pump for sex and drugs, and who doesn't appear to have any personal salvation to fall back on? And before anyone even thinks to condemn me as such, no, I'm not a goddamn Christian.

What's Bond's "hobby"? After spiritual death comes "resurrection".

Oh yeah, women = body count.

He's conditioned to love his country. M is like the queen, the queen bee of the hive. She's the mother, the state is the father, but they're not really there for you, not emotionally, so everything falls under the watchful eye of the nanny state.

Bond is so brainwashed that he doesn't seem to perceive the parallels between himself and Raoul Silva. These parallels only go as far as which side of the fence they now reside on. Bond is in the predicament that Raoul was, the difference between them is that Raoul woke up.

"Orphans always make the best recruits." Children without parents or attentive parents are targeted, their circumstance exploited. Just as the state seeks young blood, victimised, so too do the victims seek stability from a system that seems to promise the family structure or parental figures which they have been deprived of.



12. Dr. No (1962)

The title sequence was fine with just the colourful circles and the theme tune, but then 'Three Blind Mice' awkwardly sets the tone. However, this is fifty-something years and twenty-something films ago, it's a product of its time; like how the portrayal of black people as bad guys was a favoured theme back then, a James Bond motif in and of itself.

The name is Channell, Dave Channell.

Speaking of Bond, here's the man himself. Sean Connery was made for the role, I think many would consider him to have been the best, he certainly was smooth for a good part of his years as the iconic character. Dr No is an undisputable classic within film history but not quite classic Bond. It wasn't until the third film (Goldfinger) that the series seemed to find its stride. It's an alright film with a crime drama feel and noir elements, a slow pace and not so much of interest until about the 1:01:57 mark. Honey Ryder was quite nice, but then so was Miss Taro. You know, they almost always are. Anyway, the film generally improves from that point onwards, you've got the nice island setting and the stimuli that follows, it's just not enough in the context of the whole feature. The villain Julius No isn't much to write home about either, he hardly sets the standard - be better to send a postcard, a snapshot of Crab Key island.



13. From Russia With Love (1963)

Give way for the James Bond title sequence that will become a recognised motif in every Bond film to follow, with psychedelic colours and silhouettes of less than fully clothed women. Still not quite classic Bond but the seeds were being sown. I'm sure I got around to this one quite late in my viewing as a child and I think I was quite disappointed with it when compared to the racier films of the series that I'd seen up to that point. Slow, rather uninteresting, has its moments. A fine-looking Bond girl was Tatiana Romanova though, surely one of the most alluring women of the saga.



Ugh, it feels like half of the film is spent on the train. The two antagonists are relatively nondescript, a blonde tough guy and a butch woman with dodgy shoes. Oh, another motif that originates here is the rough treatment of women. They're dealt slaps, backhanders, punches. They're throttled, strangled and all too frequently disposed of.

[In terms of enjoyment From Russia With Love and Dr No should technically rank lower on this list, but I suppose that I'd rather have these two feverishly playing in the background over the lesser efforts which fall below this point.]



14. Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Sean Connery is back for another helping, one more Eon Productions outing, so move aside Lazenby and let the campiness begin. That's right, you heard, this is the awkward moment the Bond movies begin to deteriorate into second-rate cinematic flatulence. That may be a slight exaggeration but they do become second-rate. This one is alright in its way. Personally I think Connery peaked with Goldfinger, after that he wasn't as fit for the role. The excesses of fame and fortune, perhaps - too many kebabs. It's sloppy overall but whatever, it's also just a film and I've chosen to watch it.

                                                                             ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

Rough treatment of women.

Pussy.

Pussy - Diamond - Eye.

Prior to the title sequence Bond removes a woman's bikini top and strangles her with it (in Bundy-like fashion). It seems as if there's a hidden agenda to this 1971 release, like certain values (or a lack of values) were being pushed, there's also a layer of what I'd define as faux-feminism. I can hear Lady Gaga singing this song, it would suit her... voice. The DAF theme implies that neither men nor love are needed any longer, that diamonds are everything a girl could want. This theme is increasingly common in popular culture as time goes on. Hey man, I'm saying nothing. Ahem, but the connotations of the diamond are an interesting one and their suggestive placement in the film heightens my suspicions that there's a subliminal subtext on the division of the sexes. Maybe it's not such a bad thing - I can't say I know (how it's going to turn out) - but the homoerotic undertones (like the sexual overtones) are crystal clear.

'Lucy in the sky with diamonds...' Who's Lucy? Just how influential is LSD?

Diamond vajayjay.

'Touch it, stroke it and undress it...'

                                                                         ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

M is for...
(Compare with the hand holding 'M' at the end of Fight Club as the towers topple).

"Mother nature's finest killer", the scorpion. (Mr and Mr) Wint and Kidd are nature's second best, but they're learning. These two have to be the strangest and most skin-crawling villains of the entire series, they're a couple of psychopaths.
                                                                               ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

Plenty O'Toole nice and dead.

No toffee: Tiffany's on the case.

In-your-face Bond girl Plenty O'Toole could have been fun, only she's killed off before the five minute mark (and her additional scenes didn't make the final cut). We still have Tiffany Case, the one who can't shoot for toffee.
                                                                               ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

There's a 'magic' trick involving a muscular black woman who morphs into a gorilla. How is one supposed to interpret that? I guess some would say her colour has nothing to do with it, but I think it has to be taken in historical context. It sort of reminds me of the scene in Cabaret (1972), except that was a commentary on the treatment of Jews during WWII and the bystander effect that became of everyone else.
                                                                               ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

There's a notable scene in a top secret government facility out in the Nevada desert where the 1969 moon landing is being staged. Who knows - but have you ever considered that 'we' may have been to the moon while the footage itself was put together here on Earth? That's just as plausible. The moon buggy chase sequence (after Bond sneaks into a top secret base) is just another example of the mounting gimmicks and implausibilities of the series at that time, feasibly to offset truths that found their way in.
                                                                               ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

Bond is left for dead in a pipe out in the desert. Earlier he was confined to a coffin set for cremation. There's a darker thread to the film (and some of the subsequent releases) and this is contrasted with a strange humour which may have been synonymous with the swingin' seventies, if not through the dialogue then visually with, say, the appearance of Blofeld in drag.

                                                                               ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈ ◈

Bambi and Thumper, a tough girl duo, no match for Bond. Some low budget explosions and a pants oil rig finale. Mr Wint and Mr Kidd get their just desserts, one goes up in flames - well, he was a 'flaming homosexual' - and the other is taken from behind. Quelle surprise.

15. You Only Live Twice (1967)

His name, Scarlet, Captain Scarlet.

James Bond is very much a live action version of Captain Scarlet. It's okay, he won't die. He can't die, he's needed in the sequel of the sequel of the sequel of the sequel. 'You Only Live Twice', a mellow and sombre theme tune. Actually, the music itself has a euphoric quality, it's Nancy Sinatra's vocals which bring to it the drowsy and almost melancholy haze. Fourteen minutes in and Bond unrolls his wet suit. Between Thunderball and this one it's as if he never— Oh, no it's alright, he just left the water. There's a moment of respite in the Japanese baths - more water - where the sweet Japanese girls are referred to as "possessions" and equated to "plumbing". It may be an unfashionable thing to say but the male chauvinism in these films is a real bore and the sexual objectification a turn-off. I find the women to be desirable, I just don't view them as a 'set of pipes'.

Here's a thought, how many times can you spot the black-and-white checkerboard pattern throughout every film of the series? Mostly it's in plain sight, other times you have to look a bit harder, but it's at least often enough to secure this as a new drinking game. Players of this mind-numbing drinking game can be sure to consume about as much alcohol as the average Freemason might at a lodge.

Helga Brandt, whorish bitch.

Million yen makeover.

After sharing herself with Bond, henchwoman Helga Brandt abandons ship and parachutes from a moving plane, leaving Bond with his hands tied and no choice but to commandeer the plunging aircraft to a modest level of safety. Shortly after this, Helga is fish food, sustenance for Blofeld's piranhas. While she's busy splashing about and bleeding out, our man Bond is busy with his new toy, Little Nellie, a laughable contraption, though clearly it does something for him. Next, he's set to become a Japanese ninja with a bad hairpiece and a "pig-faced" wife - for his sins - and the woman he actually had a taste for - Aki - she ends up dead. The volcano base is a wet dream for parody - it's not difficult to see why the Austin Powers franchise made use of this. We almost get a Moonraker situation, but Bond is stopped from boarding the space capsule at the last minute, thankfully, as this has already gone on for a bit too long. The film is bearable and there are some nice shots of the location, especially from the mountains, but that's about it.



16. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

He had chicken nuggets spilling from his pockets all the way down.

Roger 'Ronald McDonald' Moore on skis. Horrible music, perhaps the inspiration for the Beach Boys 'California Girls' in the opening pre-title ski sequence of A View To a Kill. Someone got paid for this (or paid-off). Some of the soundtrack choices can really date the Moore films and make the Connery titles seem more modern - or at least more innovative - in comparison. The 'Nobody Does It Better' theme is like a sickly sweet confectionery with a strong cheese filling. The 80s has come a little early.

I drive a creepy car and bite my victims' necks, who am I? Jaws, an unbelievable character if ever there was one, yet somehow it works. His inclusion also makes up for the underwhelming main villain, Stromberg. Blink and you'll miss him.

This tourist attraction... it's as if the people are being conditioned to sun worship or something. Replace the guide's voice with Blofeld's deep tones and you've got a copy of his deathly 'relaxation' tapes. Whirling dervishes are shown next which are representative of the heavenly host orbiting the sun. Or is it reverence for an old star? They turn counter-clockwise like the folks around the black cube in Mecca just as the North pole of Saturn (the hexagon/cube/eye formation) is observed to rotate anti-clockwise.

I used to really like this film, thought Roger Moore was as good in the role as any of the others, but when you're young you're not all there. And, for the record, I don't have a short attention span. I do enjoy slow films (and those without a linear narrative or definite plot) as long as they're interesting. I don't have a lot of patience for mind-numbing motion pictures, they're just bait for the masses. I think it's important to analyse both low and high culture though, so I do partake on occasion.

The Karnak temple complex made for quite a memorable scene - at least, I remember it from over a decade ago. Lawrence of Arabia theme, a desert-scape and hazy sunset. She's got smoky eyes. Anya Amasova was sexy. It's good when she shoves Bond aside and shows that she's self-reliant - "every woman for herself". This is, however, bookended with an unhealthy dose of misogyny (the female submits, kneeling to crotch level; the female doesn't know how to reverse a car; the female has a hard time driving through a desert terrain while stupid non-diegetic music plays over the top). It does occasionally feel as if I'm watching a Carry On film. Now, I'm not saying they are, but some of these men with an abhorrent distaste for women come across like closet homosexuals. Throw in some white gloves and a hazing or two... Ha, ha, I'm joking, okay? Forget I ever said. But no, I think it's important to recognise these subtle themes because they informed my susceptible mind when I was growing up, and who I am now is not necessarily who I am, who I should be.



Leon, Valerie - Hai Karate '70s advert.

The hotel receptionist - wow, who's that? That's Valerie Leon! This is another woman who should have played a Bond girl or at least had more screen time. Not that I'd have wished the so-called 'Bond girl curse' upon her, but she's gorgeous - very iconic - and it's the looks that are paramount in a feature such as this. Not only that, she has a good screen presence. The 60s and 70s had the last of the iconic stars, when there was still some glamour and elegance left in 'em. Maybe some dignity, too.

Roger Moore is ridiculous, he's about as unfitted to the role as Richard Briers would have been. Then there's his car which doubles up as a submarine - Wet Nellie - which moves to the recycled beat of a poor man's disco. I used to think that was cool, not the stock music but the car. Nah, it's all crap. All of the gadgets and bric-a-brac probably made up for Bond's less than impressive manhood. Uh, actually, Bond more or less said so himself in Goldfinger ("I have a slight inferiority complex.") So there. These shoot-outs once were cool. Now everything is ruined. Jaws the man versus Jaws the shark - that's ridiculous that is, he wrestles that fish like it's an inflatable toy. Ah but maybe it is. He'll live through anything he will, he's the Jason Voorhees of the Bond world. I guess that makes James Bond a pest that's adapted to pesticides and... chastity belts. I don't know. I don't know what happened to Stromberg either, heh, I must have blinked. Bond prematurely pops his cork and the two copulators try and go at it. The voyeuristic MI6 and KGB watch on in disgust, 'oh bloody Nora double-oh-seven, can't you be a little more like us?'

Anya Amasova; Agent XXX (one of two copulators).

17. For Your Eyes Only (1981)

A compulsory visit to his wife's grave. This Bond doesn't care (you weren't there, man!), he never even met her. It's played so without any kind of recollection that he may as well have just chucked those flowers down and kept on walking. He couldn't get out of there quick enough, could he, jumped in a helicopter and he was out of there! That 'freaking cat man' is back. Ooh, how'd you hurt your neck? For Your Eyes Only consists of quite a cool pre-title sequence, an unexceptional middle and a terrible ending - the parrot (yapping to Thatcher who believes she's speaking to Mr Bond). Oh dear. It's the 80's alright, '81 to be precise, and already in full swing with wacky music and car chases like something lifted from Wacky Races. I do enjoy the yellow 2CV getaway, that looks sort of fun. Makes me think of the car chase in Kasabian's Re-Wired music video. Roger Moore got better as he lost some of that male model giddiness that marred his earlier Bond forays. He comes across as less of a pervert and more of a fatherly figure here, even going as far as to turn down the advances of an attractive young blonde ("...you get your clothes on and I'll buy you an ice cream"), and he then turns his attention to actually trying to look after those he's supposed to protect - not bad! But not very good. When you think about it, James Bond is like a big kid messing around, pushing buttons and just generally annoying everybody. Almost reminds me of my younger self, only I had no intention of joining the enemy and working as an agent for the establishment. There are two bit-part villains in this, probably to make up for the fact that neither are very memorable. Cooler-than-Bond Melina Havelock would do just fine on her own, she doesn't need a man around when she's got her trusty crossbow.

Thought I'd spice things up with gifs of the 'Re-Wired' music video.
Can't go wrong with Kasabian.

18. Thunderball (1965)

The highlight here is the opening where Bond punches a grieving widow right in the face. Of course this turns out to be a bad guy in disguise but it's hilarious until the unveiling. Another highlight is the guy later on, the guy that gets 'the point' of a harpoon, which doesn't say a lot for the film overall. You know, when you're young you don't have any concept of this, but James Bond is actually quite a sex pest. Here he blackmails a nurse into some steamy action in a Turkish bath so that she may keep her job. That's followed up by a dash of plane scene and three quarters of underwater boredom - diving, diving and more diving, and that just about takes us to the end credits.

One-eyed Thunderball villain Emilio Largo with SPECTRE ring.

19. Goldeneye (1995)

If nothing else, Pierce Brosnan was the face of James Bond. I mean, he hasn't just been in four films, he also lent his likeness to the majority of the Bond videogames. Even in something like the aforementioned original Gameboy game where the character was just a pixel with a quiff - that was Pierce Brosnan, no question.

The gun barrel sequence is modernised a little for Brosnan's Bond. Six years have passed since License to Kill was released and it's clear with 1995's Goldeneye that the saga was really back to conquer the hearts and minds of the people. With the plane and the dam... it was going so well. This seems to mix the wit of before with the grittiness that Dalton brought, and it only took thirty-three years to get there. A strong start but fantastical - quite inconceivable that someone should freefall from a cliff, get level with a nose-diving plane, climb inside and pilot it to safety, I don't care who you fucking are - or think you are (for all you Darwin Award nominees). But it's certainly dramatic.

Title sequence, graphics almost on par with PS1. This is like a loading screen, the hammer and sickle makes me think of the Quake logo. Theme is alright, nothing special. Who is Goldeneye by the way? Do we find out? Did someone lose an eye? Do you know? Goldeneye in the film is a satellite, sure, but what does the name really stand for? There's a double meaning. Listen to or read from the lyrics of Tina Turner's song, and see the Saturn-like ring which encircles the film title. Oh lord - some of the score is like bad videogame or porn music. They've taken that element of the '80s and they've run with it, and they're running in this direction.







Xenia Onatopp (XO)

Xenia Onatopp, forbidden fruit black widow nymphomaniac. The true meaning of the term femme fatale. Sweat and carnality, the Admiral and her, quite a saucy scene. That was an eyeful for an eight or nine year old - I just remember wanting to be crushed by her thighs. Me next, crush me, crush me!

Bond girl Miranda comforts James as he is constricted
under the table by bad girl Xenia Undaneef.

I think Brosnan himself was Bond in many ways. You could say he was typecast after his run as the character, and maybe so, he probably was, but I mean if you see him in anything before or since he's James Bond in all of them. There's that Thomas Crown Affair or whatever it's called, it may as well have been the James Bond Affair. He appeared in Mrs Doubtfire as James Bond. Now, Mamma Mia I've not seen but I'm sure I've got a good idea as to how it goes.

I genuinely thought Boris was Weird Al Yankovic for an hour or so.

"I am invincible!" I've an idea that this was an often shouted quote for a time when we were young, playing tag. God, these films are so boring, they're about as stimulating as watching sport (i.e. not at all). Bond is aptly described as a "sexist, misogynist dinosaur". I concur. What M says there about sending a man to die, these are the sorts of cold brains behind these intelligence agencies.

It's all a farce. The bold behaviour that this one human exhibits would get any other ape killed, it's like watching one manic episode after another. Russia's always war-torn, too, it looks so dull in films, the décor matches the spirit of the place.

Alec (006) snogging the strawberries out of Natalya's mouth
without permission.

006, yet another double-O sex offender on the list. Making strawberry jam's in the job description, don't ya know.

After a minute or two of fighting, Bond and Alec decide to lie down.

Does anyone else feel that there's never much of a fight put up? The villains give up too easily. I guess it goes without saying, it's why they ended up on the side that they did, but still.

Hang on, who's the boss here, Alec or Boris? Great day and locale for an end fight. Boy, could I have done without starting this. It's always the heights which make for gripping scenes. Take note, Bond directors. Oh wait, you already have. I don't think I'll ever watch another of these films for as long as I live. If Goldeneye has taught me anything it's that this Bond takes the most insane risks. What if he'd missed when jumping for that helicopter, what then? It might have ended the film a bit sooner, granted, but it's just so harebrained in the meantime. Evidently I was pretty bored with this, the only real redeeming factor is Famke Janssen as the villainess, she gave a great performance.

20. Live and Let Die (1973)

Painting black people to be animalistic (chaotic, heretical, impure...), not just in the tribe at the beginning but in the tribes of Harlem. Snake didn't even bite that mother and yet he's out for the count. No puncture wounds, what's he sweating for? Ugh gross, the title sequence, Paul McCartney? Wings? Give me a break, the guy's a fake. It's a good song, though, when sung by soul singer Brenda Arnau. Ouch, that version is scorching. It plays at 1:09:42 of the film, but she wasn't credited for it. Well, I'm crediting her for it. Brenda Arnau (B.J. Arnau) - 'Live and Let Die'. That wasn't so difficult, was it.

Kenneth doll.

Blax in Harlem, urban jungle.

It's 1973 and Roger Moore is flobbed up and served along with Macca n' chips— I mean Wings. If Lazenby was an action man, then Moore was a Ken doll. Prepare to be amazed, for there are more black villains and this one takes it further, it's very much in the vein of the Blaxploitation movies of the time. Not that I've ever seen one - not one - up until now that is. It's just exploitation as the portmanteau suggests, pigeonholing of ethnics, and selling out for some dough of those accepting their roles. Discrimination is balanced out by giving the black characters lines which are supposed to be disrespectful towards the whitey. Why those bastards. This means... Helter Skelter! (War).


Said the virgin to the fool...
(that's me, the fool, an archetype I would seem to embody).

The moon, the night, the unconscious.

Where black meets white...
Save the girl and she may just save you.

Duped into union, The Lovers; the male and female principle; animus, anima.
The serpent unifies the opposites (kundalini, chakras, alchemy).
The male and the female are also found in The Devil card shackled to the Lord himself, bondage.
The devil is associated with the first phase of the alchemical process, the nigredo.
The male and female in harmony (as in The Lovers card) would represent the final stage
(rubedo) of the alchemical process after the duality of the second phase, the albedo.

Solitaire, cool nymph. Gritty crumbling Harlem to the savage Caribbean. Inept agent Rosie Carver. Solitaire tricked and deflowered by you-know-who (and his you-know-what). Macabre New Orleans. The only really decent scene is the double-decker bus chase and it's over within minutes. Comic relief in the form of Sheriff Pepper is so at odds with everything else, too at odds, that it makes an already horrible film that much worse. Antagonising antagonists. Voodoo vibes bring the occult themes to the fore. It's an unsettling film, unpleasant, another spooky Guy Hamilton offering. Either it's his style or he was a mouthpiece, a propagandist.

 

Tee Hee, what's so funny? Left-hand man, left-hand path.

Supernatural Baron Samedi, black n' white voodoo priest.

Macca before he grew wings.

What a travesty, rumour has it that Paul McCartney would only allow the use of his song if he could be the one performing it for the opening sequence. He's a right little madam, didn't he have enough money and exposure that he could allow someone else to sing it instead? And he slaughtered it. The producer Harry Saltzman had requested a talented and versatile soul singer — Brenda Arnau was the first choice, as we know, and she got second place — and regrettably this talentless, establishmentarian, big-wig-headed, creepy-crawly had to come first.



21. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Tomorrow Never Dies: melodramatic rubbish.

This was another favourite of mine back in the day, I think, so let's see how bad it can get. It's already taking itself terribly seriously and that makes it more preposterous than the others ever were. I can't take things like this seriously. Brosnan-Bond's one-liners are good for a child to emulate. "Filthy habit." I can still see myself spouting empty lines like this as a child lost in play. I was this Bond for sure. On at least one occasion I gelled my hair and went around shooting strangers with guns, we're talking when I was about ten. There was one time, completely unrelated to Bond and roleplaying, sat in the waiting room of a doctor's surgery, I accidentally shot an older lady in the back of the head when my toy gun went off. I think it was just one of those red-orange soft darts you used to get, but of course she didn't respond too kindly to the fact that it had happened.

"Backseat driver." "Backstreet boy." "Cocoa shunter."

See how boring it looks? That's because it is.
It looks like a fucking stock exchange. Spare yourself the brain cells.

I don't care what anyone says, Tomorrow Never Dies appeals to a younger age group. Spruce it up all you like, make it dapper, but fundamentally this is appealing to littluns - or the big twat that you are. It's saying one thing but doing another. Let the grown-ups do the talking and you go off and play with your plastic gadgets. It's that sort of thing. Right? Am I making any sense whatsoever? Probably not.

TND: Teenage Ninja Durtles.

I don't mind the theme song by Sheryl Crow. From what I've heard so far of her early work she's quite good. Best part of the film? That and the shorter duration. Oh I know, it's so difficult to please me, or easy, whichever.

Mwahahaha.

The villain spends his time making cheeky PowerPoint presentations and fake newspaper articles whilst chuckling to himself and rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Delicious." Say what you like about him but he has a hobby, that's more than you can say for some people.

Bond covertly puking.
(And simultaneously checking out his male lover who is hiding under the bed.)

Yeah, I think we get it now, Bond likes women. He doesn't just like them, he likes them so much that he loops back around to hating them again.

Pinky and the Brain motherfucker.

Who? Elliot Carver? Never heard of him. He's able to topple governments with a single PowerPoint presentation. What's he waiting for? Is he asking to be incapacitated? They're very reasonable these fellas, they wait until Bond is able to give them the attention they so seek and kick them out of their stupid and exclusive club.

90s rave scene / Carver's birthday bash.
Carver fakes some nasty articles about Bond in the gossip rags, so Bond fakes an invite to his party
where he runs into Lois Lane, an ex of his (shared by Carver and Superman).

The innuendos in this aren't clever, they're disgusting. Who writes this filth and who on earth subscribes to it? [I've no idea what part of the film this refers to now, but it's in there, it's in there.]

Too many dicky bows spoil the rave.

In my incredibly humble opinion the arrogance of the character multiplied with Brosnan. It's not pleasant to watch. I think it has something to do with the approach he took and more generally the direction that the series went in during the nineties and early noughties, plummeting downwards.

"This job of yours... it's murder on relationships." That's an interesting point. In this film Bond is shown drinking more heavily, a bottle of vodka by his side, not for pleasure but out of pain, similar to the image presented in the 2006 (and onwards) reboot. James Bond is really the portrait of one man's mental enslavement, bondage - even his name is indicative of this. On the surface it appears as if he can have anything he wants, any woman, any car, he can assume any identity, but this is merely reciprocation for a life of servitude at the hands of the state, it's an escape.

The stupidest thing.

Wai Lin casually walks on a wall and gives Bond a wave - the crazy Chinese and their tamagotchis and shit. The expression on his face is priceless like he feels upstaged or repulsed by her lack of femininity (but he'll still screw her coz he's a class act). I love how he has time amidst the cacophony and unabated gunfire to stop and scowl, this chap is unbelievable. His only priority seems to be how he looks under fire. Getting shot at here, ah it's nothing, it's like stinging nettles. How's my hair?

"My art is in great demand... I go all over the world. I am especially good at the celebrity overdose," says the government-hired hitman.

Rent on this.

Bond has totalled his car rather needlessly, pedestrians are fearing for their poor pedestrian lives and no shopfront is safe. Own a cell phone, you're gonna get whacked. Got a light? Thwack! Look at him the wrong way, asking for a smack. Step on a crack, he'll break your mother's back.

Emmanuel Goldstein-style banner. Logo has a ring to it
(like internet explorer, intel, NASA, Pepsi, et cetera, et f-in' cetera - their roots are obvious).

Amongst all the goofiness there are some vaguely interesting tidbits and allusions. Right now there's mention of the manipulation of media (or the media's manipulation of you, yes, you and only you, everyone is out to get you). "Words are the new weapons, satellites the new artillery." Surveillance from an invasive state. Carver uses TV, news and magazines as part of his war against the consumer and his push for subjugation of the world. It's a battle of the mind. These staples of Western society influence everyone who allow themselves to be subjected to it.

"The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success." I'm insane - criminally underrated and insane. It's true though, there's a fine line between those two labels, entirely subjective for a start, and in this fickle old society it does boil down to achievement, what you've achieved and acquired. To hell with them I say, off with their heads!

Chakra torture is mentioned momentarily in the film as well, but it doesn't figure in the plot. I found that to be interesting, I've not heard of a method of torture related to the theoretical energy centres before. I guess it's purely fictional, but at the same time I suppose there could be weight to it.

Carver follows in the footsteps of real-life presidents and elitists who also have uttered these three words: "New world order." Pay attention.



22. The World Is Not Enough (1999)

The world's worst spy. Might look good on paper, but not on celluloid.

Sticks of rock for the mistresses and a cigar for the wife - or no cigar as it turns out, she's unsatisfied with it. Less than a minute and a half in and he's making puerile remarks. Anyone else does this I swear they're chastised for it. Well that depends, doesn't it. If it's someone hunchbacked and warty then they're looked down upon, a pitiful sort, but if it's someone mildly good-looking then people just play it down. He comes across as hopelessly desperate and frustrated as a subsequence. And now I have an image in my head of Quasimodo in a tuxedo, gurgling and breathing heavily. Kill it! Kill it!

About as slick as oil.

Testcard from the affluent. Orbis non sufficit.
To adjust the set, or not to adjust, that is the question.
Waiting on Max Headroom.

The title sequences of the 90s are teletext quality, mate. Bamboozle!

Again, this Bond wrecks the joint. There's nothing left with a pulse within a 5-mile radius. What's there to elevate? Repeat after me, James Bond is a narcissistic, cold-blooded, shell of a man. Hey, I don't take it too seriously. But at the same time I do. If people didn't semi-worship this character - say, on an unconscious level - then the series wouldn't be the money-spinner that it is. This along with so much else in our rotten society is affecting our perception, attitude and, worse yet, polluting the collective unconscious. Maybe Fleming was doing wonderful things with his novels, I don't know, I've not read one, but I can't see how these films could be connecting with us in an overly positive manner, drawing together disparate elements of our psyches, at least not in the depictions of self-indulgence that are especially vehement in the Brosnan quartet.

Demon Headmaster Specsavers upgrade.

All an idiot like this needs in his possession to cement him as a full-blown retard is a pair of x-ray glasses. Well what d'ya know. I literally premonition'd that. It's official, I'm a prophet.

Look, does it seem as if I have a personal vendetta against Mr Bond? Okay, the cat's out of the bag. I'm making my debut as the villain in the next film, so it only stands to reason. I can't reveal much but the working title is Sunrise and it's Daniel Craig's last. Trust me, my word is good. The second draft of the script concerns a villain known only as Sol - that's yours truly - unlawfully turning fluoridated water into wine and selling it on the black market. So yeah, watch this space. Spread the message, make some of those little fan trailers and teasers that I like. Cheers.

Christmas Jones, Jesus Christ -
wouldn't she have been great as Lara Croft, this Denise Richards chick.
Angelina Jolie was an uninspired choice. I haven't seen the Tomb Raider films, I know enough not to. 

She'd even have made a good Harley Quinn. Mmph.

23. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

Eye of the storm, runs rings around you, a hurricane.
Illusions, deception, doorways, dimensions.
States of mind.

More trippy trash and trickery from Guy Hamilton. I'm sorry, okay, his first contribution to the series (Goldfinger) was fine if that's any consolation, he should be proud of that; only, what with the whole Diamonds Are Forever mind-and-gender-bender mediocrity and the Live and Let Die low culture opiate — and now this — I've had just about enough of His Lordship's belly button fluff. I hate to say it but farts are more entertaining - they, too, have mass appeal. I think I'm slumping into a deep depression. I've no interest in Roger Moore or his slimy depiction of Bond. I've no interest in Christopher Lee, even less when he's in trackie bottoms. I've no interest in Britt Ekland or Maud Adams or who did what to whom, and now my head's gone numb. Same old, same old; slapping and smacking girls, twisting their arms, Bond's preseminal fluid. Total idiot Sheriff Pepper is back for a second and final time - two times too many. He's like Roger Moore's very own irritating dingleberry. He's supposed to offer light relief, but I just hear racial slurs. "Pointy heads!" That's the film's offence, not mine, I'm just highlighting it with my nice innocent highlighter pen. Somebody was obviously desperate to get it off their chest and Sheriff Pepper was the stock character to personify their prejudices. Skip. PHUYUCK?! Skip. Skip. I'm fed up and I'm not placated, just a bit tired. The Man With The Golden Gun is a crashing bore, so in theory we should get along, but no, we clash. The most scene-skippable film of the series, skip the film all together.



24. Never Say Never Again (1983)

This is Sean Connery's last Bond venture (with a different production company to the usual Eon Productions) and it comes twelve years after Diamonds Are Forever, so you can probably imagine the shape he's in. We catch him on a mid-morning jog, toning up for the role. Being that it's a different production company, not an 'official' release in the series, most of the usual motifs are missing. The theme song plays while he does his aerobics and whatnot. Ah yes. 'Never, never say never again, never, never say never again, never, never say never again, never, never say never again....'

Excesses of fame and fortune - now we know what it is he's been preying on - "too much red meat and white bread"! Personally I still think kebabs had something to do with it.

Bond getting absolutely mullered.

No kebabs in sight but that's not to say they're not hidden somewhere,
mashed up into individual of those little tins.

Is he wearing a bronze make-up and an eyeliner? Gee, wow. Bond is no match for his chiropractor, she's attacking him and he doesn't fight back. What's he been reduced to? He carries secret stashes of food in his oversized briefcase. No, not a briefcase, I think they call that a picnic hamper.

"Jack's eye". One-eyed Jack (like the One Eyed Jack's club in Twin Peaks). Who is this Jack fellow? If you hadn't noticed, he gets around. (Jack the Ripper, Spring-heeled Jack, Jumpin' Jack Flash, 'Jack has shown us the neon rainbow in the oil slick, pumped his life into ours...', Trigger Happy Jack, Jack in the box, the house that Jack built, and so forth.)



'I was born in a crossfire hurricane...
I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas, gas, gas.' - The Rolling Stones
'You're a flash in the pan, I'm the Great I Am' - 'Blackstar', Bowie.

Fatima Blush, a rival for Xenia Onatopp?

This imposter-of-a-Bond gives himself away by accidentally pinging up a window blind, running and hiding, thinking he's hidden in the shadows, but he's showing some thigh. This is the one where Bond is washed up in a retirement home. It's just unfortunate for everyone that he didn't stay washed up.

Bond never parted with the bad hairpiece after Japan.
Well, YOLT (you only live twice).

As stated, this is a different production company, but still there's the 'motif' of the black-and-white checkerboard. You will now see this pattern in practically every film you watch, it doesn't end with the Bond films nor did it start with them. You'll see it everywhere. Please don't drink to that because if you're not an alcoholic already then you foreseeably could be the further you choose to go down the rabbit hole. Let's not panic, it's just a symbol of a certain influence on the various industries that form our society and economic system. So why mention it? Right you are. As long as you know about it and you're okay with it, and I mean really know about it, the ins and outs, the good and the bad, then that's your choice - best get used to it because it's expanding and it's here to stay.

"Now you're on this, I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence."
"I certainly hope so, too."
Queer with a capital Q.

Sex wotsit.

The '80s, a great big repressed memory.

Valerie Leon, given due credit as the 'Lady in Bahamas', rockin' quite a different look. She's used for a romp scene but not utilised as a character of any substance. After being around and inside her for a little while Bond's dress sense starts to change and he begins to wear dungarees, possibly hers. Then Mr Bean pops up - or should that be Johnny English? This is one confused film.

James English and Johnny Bond.

Gilly No-Mates: 'Why do I always scare people away?'

For a moment I forgot this was another attempt at Thunderball... does that mean more underwater scenes? I'm sorry but Connery is way passed it. I'm not being ageist, I'm being a realist here.

Do women make for good villains? Yeah that's an oxymoron, and maybe I'm an oxymoron but I think they do.

Sly dog on the prowl.

What a dirty old sod. Connery lost marks the longer he dragged this out, it's really undignified. Die already. Now he's gone and done a sexual assault - the greasy massage where the lech poses as a masseur without the client's knowledge or consent and he works sweat and essential oils into her bum cheeks. The woman doesn't mind when she finds out though, it's a fantasy, a fantasy of hers, and she doesn't press charges. Some people class this as a 'love-making scene' on the internet. A love-making scene! It's like French kissing a fish, that's not love-making, the fish doesn't know what's going on, it doesn't necessarily want your tongue in its mouth.

Re-enacting the famous Lady and the Tramp scene on a budget.

Before the Addams Family electric shock machine,
people had to make do with jamming paperclips into plug sockets.
Thank god for the Addams Family electric shock machine.

This is so tacky - the '80s - Bond and villain Largo play games, arcade games, the kind which give an electric shock and the players have to endure it. It's the final nail in the coffin as far as I'm concerned. To think I used to like this as a kid - it was hard to find, rare, largely unknown, and that added to the appeal. Poor kid. I liked the female villain and her motorbike, the vultures, the laser watch. Of course it wouldn't be Thunderball - or Chinese torture - without the underwater scenes on the end. Here they are now. Hello, goodbye. Never again am I going to watch this crusty film. Never ever. Uh-uh.



25. Die Another Day (2002)

A visually stronger start than Tomorrow Never Dies or The World Is Not Enough. The title sequence is quite macabre, cheap also, they get progressively worse. The digital age, early CGI and all that shit. The song is terrible, but then it is Madonna. It's so Madonna. That self-seeking media junkie. And she has a part to play in this. I cannot be doing with it. I saw it at the cinema when it was first out, that's enough to excuse me from ever having to see it again. Thank you, goodnight.

Say no to censorship, squat on a dog.
Madonna's sex book from '92.

Summary
Some of these have not been so well written because I was tired and at times unenthused by what I was seeing, but I hope there's something of worth to be taken from my rabbiting - I don't think it's necessarily trivial, ultimately; the idea was to throw into sharp relief (principally for the layman) some of the esoteric elements that lie beyond the trivial, so it's meant more as a basic overview without going too deep. It certainly wasn't intended to be a review in any true sense of the word nor in-depth with its subject matter, though hopefully it could be considered as diversified in its approach and style, even if this was incidental.

With twenty-five films to rank in order of their strengths and weaknesses it wasn't the easiest of tasks, but I had a system in my head which I adhered to and generally I think the films have ended up where they deserve to be, at least from the perspective of someone such as myself - fuck, by that token they could end up anywhere. Maybe some of the films could be moved up or down a notch - I'm fairly blithe about it. Mood has something to do with it, too; on another occasion I might regard a film more favourably. I'm quite confident that Die Another Day for me is the worst of the series, that or Never Say Never Again, and without a doubt I'd hold On Her Majesty's Secret Service to be the finest effort of the series by some margin. But, again, this wasn't so much about the films or my enjoyment of them, evidently, as there wasn't much I truly enjoyed, but a light commentary on exoteric pop culture and the arcana, the esotericism, that exists below the surface.

The compulsion I had was merely to watch Dalton's two features and put these into context with the releases which fell either side of 1987 and 1989. Before starting my focus was extended to the series as a whole. Then I decided that if I was going to be doing this then I should rank them in order of best to worst, and that if I was going to be doing that then why not make my opinions public like every other fucker does. It's less of a waste of time, as I see it, if it is to inspire in people some kind of an opinion or emotional reaction whether it be good or bad. Honestly I anticipate nothing but contempt from the crowd, the Bond devotees and the testosterone-heads out there who model themselves to a degree on this image of man, one of many. At the same time I'm not holding my breath that it'll garner any kind of a response at all, I'm under no such delusion. It doesn't matter to me either way, reaction or not.

I didn't bother to watch or include here the Columbia Pictures Casino Royale of '67 as being that I'm of a melancholic disposition I've got little time for parodies, comedies, and the like. I'll probably check out the black n' white American '54 Casino Royale TV production because it looks gloomy and I'm curious to see the very first Bond girl. Black n' white movies are kind of magical. I couldn't even look at them before without feeling bored to death, but nowadays I can admire them. It's just a shame that there was so much corruption behind the scenes, still to this day. Hollywood, ol' Hollywoodland, though far from the exception, is an industry built on blood. There's been so much murder, rape, suicide, trauma and embezzlement in those hills alone, it's staggering, and those are just the cases we know about.

Anyhow, I hope this semi-analysis has provided you something with which to muse upon. That's the point of it. Hate what you've read? Blame it on stimulants or an ego-dystonic impulse. Or blame neither. You could blame me. Blame God. Blame it on anybody but yourself. If you want to make your thoughts or vitriol known, feel free to plant a comment or a letter bomb in the box below.