Hola, anybody!

 

More posts sooner than later, currently taking a break. Still reading and researching, but tired and busy, busy and tired. The future of the kingdom is quite certain, probably in a different format of notes and scraps of information. We'll see, shall we.

 

Stay well. Ciao for now.

Semi-Automatic Writing

When I have said that I am seeking truth or speaking truth and such potentially pretentious things as 'truth will out', by no means am I suggesting that I'm an oracle here. Let me just make that clear. This is an ongoing process, these are what I perceive to be the necessary steps and manner of unravelling screwed-up history, this is my truth. If you can take something from it, then that's great and I'm glad, that's the intention. But these are only events as I understand them or as they come to me, grasped and filtered by conscious mind, naturally different to the next person.

Some things I haven't been able to find elsewhere, typically in the way they are presented here, so this is my chance to archive them for myself and anyone with an interest. I try to think as critically as possible. I realise that I can be a contradiction, that's my polarity coming through, but I do what I can. All that you read is researched, validated or checked to the best of my ability, but do check for yourself and feel free to correct me if I've made a mistake. It's not about panic, paranoia or fear, I'm not satisfied with disinformation or unsubstantiated claims, though I do hypothesise and this will be apparent. Where applicable this is about separating fact from fiction and making sense of the whole situation.

This is a journey from ignorance to something more wholesome, and as the path is seemingly endless and with plenty of subjective nature growing as foliage either side, I accept that I'll probably never be fully satisfied. I'd just rather be moving, agile, than staring unknowingly at the path ahead.

More Than I Can Chew

What have I done? This is a mammoth task I have undertaken. I'm not going to give this up though, I committed myself to this as soon as I became aware of the atrocities. Right, I need to sort my information overload into the cabinet of curiosities. The layout and colour scheme of the blog needs a desperate makeover, I'm going to stick a wig on it. For future readers, the colour scheme at the time of writing this was a penguin-rolling-down-a-hill sort of colour and surprisingly not very fun. You'd exit the blog and move onto greener pastures with white font still emblazoned on the pupils of your eyes. I want something light, because right now it's like a dingy website for dingy activities in dingy bedrooms. That was never the intention. Learning is fun, right? Yeah, is fun. So I need to get a good breeze going through here, appealing atmosphere that bananas would be fond of.

I'm going to start to archive some of my symbolic experiences. They will be found further back, dated accurately (where possible) or approximately; dates that precede the emergence of this blog in May 2014.

I'm also attempting to read three books at once, which is never a good idea. My brain feels like it's about to explode and in the air the words will waltz together and I'll be saying, 'No, no, don't get mixed up'. I am shuffling along with Richard Sauder's Kundalini Tales, properly assigning myself to Self-Hypnosis and Scientific Self-Suggestion by William J. Ousby, and apparently I thought it'd be a good idea to re-read Grace Slick's memoir Somebody to Love?

It's not a good idea. I will have to take to reading one at a time. Conversely, it's the very worst idea to not read at all. If I'm not reading, I'm not able to write as fluently or unwind.

Providing I get on with it, which I have to really, then I'll write anything applicable here. That's if I don't get fixated on the shiny, shiny cover of GS's memoir. Afterwards I aim to dive into Break On Through (Jim Morrison biography), as it seems somehow logical. And, as if that wasn't enough, a friend is expecting me to read Bound Together (The Libertines unofficial biography). I'm going to have a meltdown. It's not about reading this, reading that, sailing through, eyes closed, nailing pages to the wall; what my friend doesn't realise is that there are special ways of doing these things, a combination, an order which makes them most effective. That order isn't set in stone either, it depends on the distortion of space and time. And all of this damn research I've done in almost two years, a rough estimate with the calculator, an average of 10 hours spent each day, that's around 7300 hours of information, all spiky and untameable, which I'm trying to put into words and convey, while still consuming more information every new day. And with a new job on the horizon, it's only going to get trickier. Of course, I will find a way.

Sun-Dried Raison D'être

I'm still trying to get a feel for my writing style on here, I think it's undependable or it depends on my mood... which is undependable! I wouldn't want to turn anyone away solely because of ambiguity, it's just I've always leant towards cryptic writing and this is quite a contrast to strip it back and aim to be concise. Practice should make some kind of abstract perfect, although might miss the mark and sag down into post-perfect or pre-perfect... If I had the capacity - there are only two of me - I'd write a few times a day. What happens is I'll see something and want to share it, but then if I don't get around to it, it goes beyond natural and into feeling obligatory, laboured. I have to wait until it seems to click again. It's the same as owning the equivalent of a miniature library, books everywhere, but I haven't read them all yet. There'll be some from a few years ago that might have been fruitful for the time, I don't know, but it is the way it is. Once I miss the invisible cut-off point, I just have to wait until the opportunity arises again.

I'm trying to provide a variety of insights before I go back and continually expand on each subject. I've been researching since September 2012, when I had my realisation (what most people call their 'awakening'), so it's a lot to go through everything I've learnt so far and that which I'm continuing to learn in real time and then condense it all. This is as much about archiving my findings and thought processes and making sense of my reality, as it is about sharing the information with you. The comment function beneath each post is there for you to give your thoughts, opinions and knowledge and to encourage discussion. Because of those fizzy spam bots, I've set it so that I moderate any comments and I'll do that sharpish, but if you want to come in here and give some verbal abuse, act like a prat, you're most welcome to - I'll consider them, thoughtfully... hmmm, and publish them so everyone can see how cute you are when you're angry.

I write in the style of doom n' gloom. Nah, the whole idea has been to not whip up another ghoulish fever, there are enough bog-standard blogs in that style as is. And what have I done? What has this become? Just another fear-based dot com. No it hasn't and never will. I don't preach fear. Praise the dawn chorus, hallelujah!

At the Foot of the Kingdom

This is a communication network for lost souls to reconnect

 

I guess the idea to set this up came about many, many months ago. And certainly the origin of the blog title is from last March (2013), an unfinished piece of writing of mine. I don't know about you, but I find it's such a relief to discover that there are other people who are of a like mind. It's safe to say (more than ever in the digital age) that there's always going to be someone out there who is on the same wavelength. It's a wonderful feeling. I guess we're cut from the same cloth, picking fruit from the ethereal tree, sharing silk in this intricate web of creation. But it occurred to me that there may be people out there who haven't found what they're looking for. We never stop searching, our lives are governed by it on an unconscious level, though we often reach conclusions along the way. I too have certain questions which I haven't been able to find the answers for yet. And I've had 'otherworldly' experiences which have yet to correlate with the experiences of other persons. So it was with this in mind that I felt I could attempt to express myself through this format, in the hope that I may be able to provide some answers and understanding to you (or vice versa).

At the Foot of the Kingdom

I was trying to decide on a title, I didn't think about it for too long (which may or may not be apparent). Momentarily I considered 'Light Showers' or something similar, being literally a shower of beauty, consciousness and enlightenment. Something slightly mystical, that was the original idea. Something with power and energy to it. A mixing of raw and dreamy. None of the titles prompted much of a reaction from my dear friend, Joseph, so I left them alone.

It was a couple of weeks ago when I had the strong impression to use the line and title of an unfinished piece of writing. I didn't quite know why I should use it, apart from the fact that it felt right. There was no reason for it to be playing on my mind, but there it was, and the more I think about it, the more it works for me.

Last March, on a certain day, I was wandering through fields and along the warm crust of freshly tilled earth. I'd been on a long walk and had a picnic of sorts to myself. It was one of those days where I felt particularly vulnerable in my own skin. Because of this, because my lack of confidence showed so visibly, some people had been quick to feed off of this. If I recall, first a member of staff at a local shop made a needless remark about my use of a Walkman. Then sometime later, as I was sat under the shade of a tree on the edge of a graveyard (I know, of all places), a boy racer threw beer bottles at me from the safety of his car. They didn't hit me, just broke nearby. Such negative, fearful reactions continued sporadically throughout the afternoon and after I decided I'd had enough of my walk, and realised I'd gone too far out of my comfort zone on such a day, I turned back. Though not before unnecessary jibes from a group of lads playing football, one of whom squared up to me for no reason other than to show off to his team - he was definitely intoxicated. That was the sour cherry on top. I was just wandering in a melancholy haze, down cutways and along country lanes and footpaths, not familiar with the route I was taking. On my personal cd player Julian Cope's 'Fried' was playing for the first time, unfamiliar music for unfamiliar territory. I just felt so disconnected, lost, confused. I wanted someone to come and collect me, a warm, loving girl to take me away and care for me. I wanted to end up on someone's doorstep, the right doorstep, the doorstep of someone beautiful and compassionate. The music didn't feel so good; I wasn't sure I liked everything I was hearing, and I may have even heard things in the mix that weren't actually there upon further listening. I just kept walking, anywhere, anywhere. The act of moving, going somewhere, to keep the sadness at bay. And I was writing all the while, writing from this world where the sky was crashing down; writing a piece of prose that was never finished, just as that fair maiden never came to take me away.

It is in retrospect that my best times were had

In those writings I saw myself as ending up in a trench or ditch, abandoned, cast out of the kingdom. I was on the outskirts of society. It felt like I could have been a child at the foot of a king-sized bed. I was in this 'forgotten trench flowerbed' and I wanted to be found and soothed. At this point the writings get a little bizarre and I'm sure they'd only work to alienate me further, but the outcome was that I'd be brought back to good health, albeit temporarily. I'd be given a kind of superficial solution.

In actuality I had to find and help myself. And this will forever be the way. It doesn't matter how much help and love someone can offer you, you'll always have to be ready and willing to help and love yourself first and foremost.

Strangely enough I consider this to be a romantic memory now, rose-tinted or golden honeycomb. That's the unusual thing, I often find it is in retrospect that my best times were had. This is a moment I can remember so vividly and warmly, while many other memories have been submerged.

 

"Fate will have it - and this has always been the case with me - that all the 'outer' aspects of my life should be accidental. Only what is interior has proved to have substance and a determining value. As a result, all memory of outer events has faded, and perhaps these 'outer' experiences were never so very essential anyhow, or were so only in that they coincided with phases of my inner development."

- Carl Jung from the book 'Memories, Dreams and Reflections'.

In other words, I had something to gain from the experience. It was a stepping stone. A stepping stone in the ever-flowing stream of life.

This is what it all comes down to, this is where it all begins or starts anew, at the foot of the kingdom. I take the meaning of the title to be a positive one. As everyone should know, once you've gone as low as you can go in the depths of beyond, the only way left for you to go is onwards and upwards. That doesn't mean going back to the kingdom, there's no need to rely on that system, but it does mean a re-evaluation is in order and you'll need to rebuild yourself. You want to raise yourself to a level of contentment, to be in high spirits.

We are like footsoldiers. We're at the foot of the kingdom and it's working out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. We're at the foot of the kingdom but in our minds we're soaring over the whole of the land. That's what we have to maintain, that vision. We can create our own realities, we don't need theirs.