This is a communication network for lost souls to reconnect
I guess the idea to set this up came about many, many months ago. And certainly the origin of the blog title is from last March (2013), an unfinished piece of writing of mine. I don't know about you, but I find it's such a relief to discover that there are other people who are of a like mind. It's safe to say (more than ever in the digital age) that there's always going to be someone out there who is on the same wavelength. It's a wonderful feeling. I guess we're cut from the same cloth, picking fruit from the ethereal tree, sharing silk in this intricate web of creation. But it occurred to me that there may be people out there who haven't found what they're looking for. We never stop searching, our lives are governed by it on an unconscious level, though we often reach conclusions along the way. I too have certain questions which I haven't been able to find the answers for yet. And I've had 'otherworldly' experiences which have yet to correlate with the experiences of other persons. So it was with this in mind that I felt I could attempt to express myself through this format, in the hope that I may be able to provide some answers and understanding to you (or vice versa).
At the Foot of the Kingdom
I was trying to decide on a title, I didn't think about it for too long (which may or may not be apparent). Momentarily I considered 'Light Showers' or something similar, being literally a shower of beauty, consciousness and enlightenment. Something slightly mystical, that was the original idea. Something with power and energy to it. A mixing of raw and dreamy. None of the titles prompted much of a reaction from my dear friend, Joseph, so I left them alone.
It was a couple of weeks ago when I had the strong impression to use the line and title of an unfinished piece of writing. I didn't quite know why I should use it, apart from the fact that it felt right. There was no reason for it to be playing on my mind, but there it was, and the more I think about it, the more it works for me.
Last March, on a certain day, I was wandering through fields and along the warm crust of freshly tilled earth. I'd been on a long walk and had a picnic of sorts to myself. It was one of those days where I felt particularly vulnerable in my own skin. Because of this, because my lack of confidence showed so visibly, some people had been quick to feed off of this. If I recall, first a member of staff at a local shop made a needless remark about my use of a Walkman. Then sometime later, as I was sat under the shade of a tree on the edge of a graveyard (I know, of all places), a boy racer threw beer bottles at me from the safety of his car. They didn't hit me, just broke nearby. Such negative, fearful reactions continued sporadically throughout the afternoon and after I decided I'd had enough of my walk, and realised I'd gone too far out of my comfort zone on such a day, I turned back. Though not before unnecessary jibes from a group of lads playing football, one of whom squared up to me for no reason other than to show off to his team - he was definitely intoxicated. That was the sour cherry on top. I was just wandering in a melancholy haze, down cutways and along country lanes and footpaths, not familiar with the route I was taking. On my personal cd player Julian Cope's 'Fried' was playing for the first time, unfamiliar music for unfamiliar territory. I just felt so disconnected, lost, confused. I wanted someone to come and collect me, a warm, loving girl to take me away and care for me. I wanted to end up on someone's doorstep, the right doorstep, the doorstep of someone beautiful and compassionate. The music didn't feel so good; I wasn't sure I liked everything I was hearing, and I may have even heard things in the mix that weren't actually there upon further listening. I just kept walking, anywhere, anywhere. The act of moving, going somewhere, to keep the sadness at bay. And I was writing all the while, writing from this world where the sky was crashing down; writing a piece of prose that was never finished, just as that fair maiden never came to take me away.
It is in retrospect that my best times were had
In those writings I saw myself as ending up in a trench or ditch, abandoned, cast out of the kingdom. I was on the outskirts of society. It felt like I could have been a child at the foot of a king-sized bed. I was in this 'forgotten trench flowerbed' and I wanted to be found and soothed. At this point the writings get a little bizarre and I'm sure they'd only work to alienate me further, but the outcome was that I'd be brought back to good health, albeit temporarily. I'd be given a kind of superficial solution.
In actuality I had to find and help myself. And this will forever be the way. It doesn't matter how much help and love someone can offer you, you'll always have to be ready and willing to help and love yourself first and foremost.
Strangely enough I consider this to be a romantic memory now, rose-tinted or golden honeycomb. That's the unusual thing, I often find it is in retrospect that my best times were had. This is a moment I can remember so vividly and warmly, while many other memories have been submerged.
"Fate will have it - and this has always been the case with me - that all the 'outer' aspects of my life should be accidental. Only what is interior has proved to have substance and a determining value. As a result, all memory of outer events has faded, and perhaps these 'outer' experiences were never so very essential anyhow, or were so only in that they coincided with phases of my inner development."
- Carl Jung from the book 'Memories, Dreams and Reflections'.
In other words, I had something to gain from the experience. It was a stepping stone. A stepping stone in the ever-flowing stream of life.
This is what it all comes down to, this is where it all begins or starts anew, at the foot of the kingdom. I take the meaning of the title to be a positive one. As everyone should know, once you've gone as low as you can go in the depths of beyond, the only way left for you to go is onwards and upwards. That doesn't mean going back to the kingdom, there's no need to rely on that system, but it does mean a re-evaluation is in order and you'll need to rebuild yourself. You want to raise yourself to a level of contentment, to be in high spirits.
We are like footsoldiers. We're at the foot of the kingdom and it's working out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. We're at the foot of the kingdom but in our minds we're soaring over the whole of the land. That's what we have to maintain, that vision. We can create our own realities, we don't need theirs.
