Maria

For the last 2-3 weeks (output: Blink, Blink and Afterglow) I had a feeling that there was something or someone with me, a strong sense that I was being guided each day that I wrote the aforementioned entries, that they were part of a process and apparently that process isn't over.

The knowledge and insights that I was provided were very alluring, seductive, that's the best way to describe the experience. In an abstract way, there were a few moments where I felt as if the serpent was speaking to me, the ancient imagery or the inner serpent, whispering. Sweet nothings, perhaps, although I'm discovering more and more that there seems to be depth to the information, a pattern is forming. For me this is undeniably a key of some sort... hopefully the door leads to a rising spiral staircase, rather than a downward spiral... though, as briefly considered in the latter of posts, maybe the way to get out is first by descent... internal landscape; external landscape; the external is a mirror of the internal; as within, so without.

Aside from being an abstraction, maybe I just felt the kundalini was stirring, beckoning or something, saying 'Bite the apple, come bite the metaphorical apple'. I mean I practically live on knowledge, it's a staple of my diet, so there's nothing more tempting than that.

Each day I'd be left alone at the end of my shift in consciousness. Then the following day the presence would be with me again and I'd continue to write a couple of paragraphs or so until the 'sister posts' were complete. During this timeframe I've been dancing more also, for two reasons. Firstly, dancing seems to be one of several ways to channel the 'irrational', that is to communicate with the subconscious and the spirit within. Secondly, I'm trying to get rid of some demons; trying to break some habits, and it really makes me feel better and pure.

When I say dance, I don't mean no two-step time-wasting, no lindy hoppin', no plastic Jagger contrived manner; I'm talking erratic dancing. Yes, erratic, chaotic, not erotic! There's not always a definite rhythm to it, or style, it can get to resemble a convulsion. It is, I would say, irrational. Often I'll have my eyes closed, focused on some intangible element in the dark and the mild opiate quality, allow the music to move me, shake like a maraca, ecstatic.

Out of this, out of the darkness, on this occasion, came two female eyes.

It was the last day of writing the latter post (Afterglow), the final paragraphs and the kinetic nuances in between, when I noticed there was someone 'with' me. Evidently female, though I only saw their eyes, there was a sense and also a sense of beauty that accompanied them, both aesthetically and on another level entirely. I was still dancing, still haywire, but I'd just entered into a serene state of mind. I felt as if I wasn't dancing alone, as though someone or something was tracing or outlining my own form, then I became aware of the eyes melting through the darkness. I didn't note the colour of her irises, it wasn't so clear, but what struck me was how her eyes seemed to be accentuated with eyeliner. They remained for no longer than ten seconds, they blinked a few times and were gone.

After the glowing, there was a permeating emptiness. The presence I'd felt around me for some weeks had also left. I'm sure it is nearby and will return. Now that I've had a taste I'm chasing that feeling, that beauty. If I can replace destructive ways completely with constructive, creative, then this is what I need to chase. Right now, without being fed knowledge, I feel like I'm bobbing for apples.

So, I did tell Calamity about this in passing conversation, because she's interested in this kind of thing, has an interest in my research - hell, she's the original 'mystic'. That said, she wasn't paying much attention as per usual; she's like the original autistic. That was until she saw a beautiful female face come through to her in the night, just prior to sleep, fading into view twice, before fading away.

'Refined features, high cheekbones, delicate nose; golden mean. Possibly of European descent. Hair not really visible, as if drawn back.'

The only thing she can't recall are the eyes, nothing specific about them. But if I had any doubts as to the reality or significance of what I saw, they are less now. The manifestation seems to me to have been an acknowledgement, recognition, even reassurance - a token of appreciation that we should be keenly seeking the truth. And, of course, on why Calamity was able to perceive the entire face - she's always had strong intuition, a far stronger sense than I.

What I want to know though is, is this outside guidance of here or of 'there'? In other words, is it from the vicinity and entering into my personal space, my subconscious mind, which I'd be wary of, or is it from whereabouts I 'fell'; where I belong? The former would bother me and I'd be careful how much I responded to its communion... some gatekeeper on the skyline or one of many minions. The latter should be trustworthy if of the final resting place. But how can I be sure?

Honestly, the sense was of beauty and innocence, also allure. Maybe that was my interpretation. I don't want to even suggest the idea of temptress, you know.

To be sure, in the near-automatic typing phase/haze/phaze I obtained a Ouija board, possibly against my better judgement. People have their conditioned views on the occult, so... Not long ago, I did too. As with anything unknown there is a risk I would say, but with preparation and discernment; preventative measures... As with drugs, you're tapping into the unconscious, opening yourself to these other realms, you've got to be wise, use not abuse. State of mind, location, people, intent...

Oh, the closest resemblance to the eyes are in that picture up there, eyeliner included. When I considered the likelihood of her wearing make-up, I was a little sceptical, it's not what one would expect, until I discovered that even the Ancient Egyptians and Romans wore shadow, liner, mascara etc.

I wanted to refer to her by a name, so I chose what came to my mind soon after, it somehow felt appropriate to name her Maria. If I could reach her again - that is if she's anything more than an aspect of my psyche, like the anima - then I'd like to know her actual name. If she has a name. God, this is weird. I didn't intend to communicate with her via the board, because I'm not sure that'd even be possible, however, if both board and 'spirit' work through access to the subconscious, then it should be.

Since choosing the name of Maria I've realised the obvious religious connotations this can have, which has led me to my next fragment of research. More on this soon.