Sun-Dried Raison D'être

I'm still trying to get a feel for my writing style on here, I think it's undependable or it depends on my mood... which is undependable! I wouldn't want to turn anyone away solely because of ambiguity, it's just I've always leant towards cryptic writing and this is quite a contrast to strip it back and aim to be concise. Practice should make some kind of abstract perfect, although might miss the mark and sag down into post-perfect or pre-perfect... If I had the capacity - there are only two of me - I'd write a few times a day. What happens is I'll see something and want to share it, but then if I don't get around to it, it goes beyond natural and into feeling obligatory, laboured. I have to wait until it seems to click again. It's the same as owning the equivalent of a miniature library, books everywhere, but I haven't read them all yet. There'll be some from a few years ago that might have been fruitful for the time, I don't know, but it is the way it is. Once I miss the invisible cut-off point, I just have to wait until the opportunity arises again.

I'm trying to provide a variety of insights before I go back and continually expand on each subject. I've been researching since September 2012, when I had my realisation (what most people call their 'awakening'), so it's a lot to go through everything I've learnt so far and that which I'm continuing to learn in real time and then condense it all. This is as much about archiving my findings and thought processes and making sense of my reality, as it is about sharing the information with you. The comment function beneath each post is there for you to give your thoughts, opinions and knowledge and to encourage discussion. Because of those fizzy spam bots, I've set it so that I moderate any comments and I'll do that sharpish, but if you want to come in here and give some verbal abuse, act like a prat, you're most welcome to - I'll consider them, thoughtfully... hmmm, and publish them so everyone can see how cute you are when you're angry.

I write in the style of doom n' gloom. Nah, the whole idea has been to not whip up another ghoulish fever, there are enough bog-standard blogs in that style as is. And what have I done? What has this become? Just another fear-based dot com. No it hasn't and never will. I don't preach fear. Praise the dawn chorus, hallelujah!

Rearranging the Table

Actually, what spiritual experiences aren't mystical? I think by their nature encounters with the divine are mystical, otherwise something is missing. Religion is just a neat little package or product to keep the people happy; it's a skimmed version of the whole truth. Divided up, some truths here, some truths there, but all stemming from the same place. Those miracles and touched-by-the-holy-spirit orgies? Mystical. Those dreams and those visions? Mystical. All mystical, but with distortions and interpretations and corruptions. We're more lost now than we ever were, intentionally so, strung out, strung along. Tribes and entheogens, closer to what is.

When you look for meaning, what do you find? All is mystical, that which reaches out. Nihilism is looking in the wrong places, looking around and seeing the material realm and nothing beyond that, nothing in the folds between. I felt the nihilism myself at times through adolescence. When concerned only with the physicality of the world, it's easy to get carried away with the misery. Nature provides the mystical, you just have to be clean enough to receive the indications. I know this much - last time I had clear and personally profound experiences was last summer, quite a multitude, but gradually I've been absorbed into a reality of addictions and stealing so I can keep my habits going, a host of other things as well, a host to other things... It comes back to cause and effect again, how negativity breeds negativity and vice versa. I've had very little contact with anybody, physically or metaphysically. I've not had many dreams, certainly no vivid dreams that jolt me awake and stay imprinted in my mind for longer. Symbolism elsewhere or in the waking state, not that I can recall. So you have to live well if you expect to be treated well. It's also good to make sacrifices (non-human/animal), such as removing many of the materials that wall you in. The more distractions you take out of your life, it's like removing bricks from a wall, the clearer you begin to see and view the world for what it really is. You'll have a mental clarity, newfound appreciation.

Essentially we're all seeking the same understanding, but some of us just choose to avoid any form of organised religion along the way. It's empowering not relying on an institution to guide you in prayer, worship or meditation. And I feel there's nothing typically wrong with the mystical or mysticism, it's how one uses or abuses the knowledge as ever. Christians are clutching at straws in these end days, that's all it is. They're trying to maintain authority where there really is none, it's not their place to do so and it never was. The real authority has other plans now. Different control systems for different times, nothing more - just as New Age has its purpose, just as the satanic undertones of popular culture will guide and steer society now. It best achieves the aims of the bloodthirsty meathead mafia at the top, it's a perfect vehicle for them, it's the getaway. The nice little indiscreet. But it's not over yet. Wanna know what I think? I think everyone needs to loosen up, take a psychedelic mushroom and have an inherently good fuck, sí?

I jest.


Kind of.

Follow Your Heart

In the preface, Richard Sauder refers to reality as the 'reality game' in which we're all players. It's a competitive world, that's for sure. Not easy for those of us who don't wish to compete. It's like an extended lesson of Physical Education. Blood sports day - no I can't, I forgot my kit! Not good enough, get in the arena!

I've entertained the idea that we may be plugged in, tuned in, projected into this system - not unlike a computer simulation, yes, something like what is shown in The Matrix (which I haven't seen for years and years and personally am not interested to). Of note, the Wachowskis also co-directed a film called Cloud Atlas and are directing a new film titled Jupiter Ascending, both of which seem to involve themes of body/soul/energy harvesting. Imagine we are on another plane of existence and we've agreed to come here, everything was agreed to beforehand, we were wired up to machines... wouldn't that make the most sense, provide the most answers upon dying/waking from this experience? Maybe the one rule is that no outside intervention is allowed, the simulation has to be allowed to pan out, even if things get out of control or there are glitches in the system. What if other beings elsewhere could hack into this 'reality', hijack it and use it for their own gain? Altogether it's not something I believe, just something I've considered.

The reality game. Boot camp. Mind, body and soul training. Here for educational purposes and/or hedonistic pursuits.

We're here to learn, whatever it might be that we each learn - even if it's a plan on how to escape this social circle! I think it's quite true that this is a meeting of heaven and hell, life is what you make it. We either accept it or we are tormented by it - that rests in our hands.

We mustn't live in the past or the future, otherwise we miss our chance in the present to do something worthwhile. We should live in the moment. We should, yet some of us are determined to figure out why we're here and what it all means, I know I am. I'm not going to rest until I reach a better understanding of the situation; obviously I want to keep busy, it's confusing and at times painful not knowing why this is happening.

Kundalini is the energy that purportedly resides at the base of the spine according to Yogic philosophy, it lies dormant, coiled like a serpent, until awakened. Chapter one of Kundalini Tales, the first few lines made me raise my eyebrows incredulously. Richard Sauder recalls his kundalini awakening or experience on this occasion in 1992, when a male voice gleefully proclaimed "Party hearty!" He lived alone at the time, so there was no simple explanation for the voice, but it was immediately followed by a short, intense kundalini-energised episode. It's absurd, what kind of an individual would say something like that? It's very strange, but to be honest I know that many of my own experiences have been unusual and would obviously be regarded as such by others. It's just not a normal thing to say, nor would you expect to hear it. Did the individual behind the disembodied voice not consider that his words might disturb or frighten someone? Was there not a more thoughtful way of 'introducing' the kundalini experience? Clearly it didn't worry Sauder, but someone else could be expected to react differently. Perhaps 'it' knew that Sauder was mentally and spiritually prepared, as he'd been fascinated for years by the kundalini and had made efforts to activate it. It was a gleeful voice, so presumably that's a good sign.

What I'm having to reckon with is a mix of the occult (that which is hidden, concealed) and what Christianity has to say on the matter (being currently the most prevalent religion in the Western world). They may both be right. I was reading Christian views on mysticism, how they believe kundalini awakening or 'third eye' opening, for example, to be influenced by demonic forces. I think it's more likely to be both positive and negative forces that one is subjected to. Rather than completely abandoning occult study, one should proceed with careful consideration - knowing the potential risks and acting responsibly, as activation of chakra points provides a channel for all kinds of forces. I suppose that if you open yourself to the light, you're also susceptible to the darkness as well.

Richard Sauder at his present understanding (when Kundalini Tales was written and published in 1998) believes the kundalini not to be God, but possibly a servant of God; a sort of archangel. I don't know enough about it yet, but was under the impression that it is an aspect of the soul - what with the chakra points and all - and therefore corresponding to the celestial in that sense - a personalised form of. Enough speculation though, I shall have to see for myself.

Can of Worms

The last thing I should probably do is express doubt on here, as that's often viewed as a weakness and it's really important to maintain vision or focus when working with a medium like this. But I'm going to accept it as part of the natural course of soul-searching, rather than deny the emotion - I guess you have to expect to draw a blank from time to time.

These are some thoughts I'm dealing with recently, which are magnified tonight, and by divulging them perhaps it will make them dissipate or help me to process them.

I'm experiencing a crisis of faith, though I know it is temporary. It's a catalyst for resolution; about picking apart beliefs before reconstruction with the intention of strengthening them. Frequently I ask myself if I'm delusional, I stop for a moment to consider what I'm doing, but this never persists for more than a minute; I quickly remember that there is too much evidence to the contrary which proves the reality of such atrocities. All one has to do is look. These minor periods of doubt are a necessary measure to demonstrate to the self that a level of rationality is preserved, likely a defence mechanism, not to be disregarded.

Religion causes internal and external conflict. Religion is not something I follow, yet still it's at odds with my beliefs. This may have its merits, as it serves to deprecate or condemn practices which may not be so trustworthy. Religion was started innocently enough, a yearning within us all?

I realise I've opened a can of worms with this pursuit of mine. Sometimes I experience moments where I'm unable to see a practical way out of this, extensive as it is, a series of images, a collage of screaming mouths beneath a strobe light.

I watched some archive footage online (Robert Monroe's Out of Body Experiences), he seems honest and admits that he started the experiments for selfish reasons, wanting to better understand his condition, but a lot of what he says seems confused, he falters often, he desperately wants to provide the answers. This is a man who was really no better for his research by the end, that's the feeling I had. Journeys Out of the Body is still a profound book upon first read-through, I can't dismiss that, whereas the footage is from 1992, which would make Bob Monroe about 76, and what he had to say didn't sit well with me. Maybe it's my fault, jumping from his early experiences to his later and trying to comprehend a man who has been through what he has - I imagine as Far Journeys and Ultimate Journey go, they'll touch upon what he talks about. Maybe he wasn't able to disclose particular information, maybe he's deliberately vague, perhaps it's salesmanship - to encourage people to seek out his books and products. First and foremost he was a businessman, who just happened to have these mystical experiences, which is why I was sceptical when I began his book. No matter what, it was a successful business venture. Either way, someone out there knows the potential that exists within us and decides to profit from that, because many of the experiences I can vouch for. Robert's explanations in the video are overcomplicated, didn't seem believable, but then this complexity is to be expected when looking into the unknown. He spoke of 'imaginary' friendships with entities (or energies), without coming across like a total kook, but the interactions as he describes them I found to be questionable. Were these 'astral' experiences, or did he start to confuse hallucinations for reality as time went on? Not to undermine the bloke's intelligence, it just has to be asked. Were these beings of light or beings of false light; was he led astray?

This is where Christianity affects/concerns me, the claims of all mystical experiences being deceptive outside of Jesus' teachings. Everything becomes so confused and diluted. Who would want to follow Christianity (or any religion for that matter)? Even if they were true, why should I want to suck up to that image of God? That's the extent of what I see, too often the followers are sycophantic and I can't for one moment believe that any divine being is going to be worthy of that. I could not serve something like that. I reject the ego-centric God.

There are some reliable ideas or principles throughout most religion, or a reminder of what not to do when they turn fanatical. Perhaps Christianity is right, perhaps mysticism is a trap - the apple as a lure - the search for knowledge/enlightenment - activation of the pineal gland and awakening of the kundalini...

Still, religion alienates, divides.

Through all of the societal corruption, could this still be a path to evolution? Can the corruption be forgiven, accepted as implicit in human nature? Is it a requirement to break emotion down, is that the way of the future? Nietzsche's ubermensch (superman). Sterility.

Half-Gospel

It hasn't changed my life, but it's working to - it's been instrumental to me and there couldn't have been a better year to read it.



Journeys Out of the Body was first published in 1971 and Robert Monroe had been having these 'second state' (out-of-body/astral) experiences and taking notes since the 1950s, so at the time this was released to the public it would have been very much a fringe interest - can imagine all the pot smokers and LSD experimenters with their pocket book copies, discussing it in parks and in college dorms. It was the right time, wasn't it, really. If it had been published in the 50s, it would have been too much for people to consider and Robert would have unquestionably been labelled a nut and shipped off to cuckoo land.

A young Robert Monroe.

You could almost believe that the whole 60s hippy movement was manufactured or, at the least, infiltrated and steered; directed. And Robert alone couldn't have known how his book was to be received up until that point. So I just hope that this wasn't part of a scheme, tying neatly with the New Age movement that grew out of that time. Also, the Monroe Institute (which Robert established in the early 70s) has had links to United States Military Intelligence, who, at that time, were interested in staring goats to death, walking through walls and just generally a ton of mind-blowing psychological operations - which you can read about in Jon Ronson's The Men Who Stare At Goats.

The redeeming factor is that I can relate to many of the experiences that Robert Monroe mentions in Journeys Out of the Body, so I know that what he says isn't complete fabrication. I know that if it has any downside, it's because it is misleading through means of disinformation, though I can make no certain claim of this.

It was so incredible to read though because of its relatability. I've had similar experiences since I was around the age of fourteen and they've only intensified (as I've harnessed them) over the years. My own experiences transpired of their own accord, so it's not a simple matter of power of suggestion. Aside from what I can relate to, I trust a lot of what Monroe's saying and feel that he recorded his experiences to the best of his abilities and if there are any discrepancies they're down to the brain's interpretation of events. This book is pretty much gospel for me, there's a lot to sink your teeth into.

The most profound element wasn't the reality of out-of-body experiences, but how many answers and solutions his experiences and subsequent writings provided for me, it's helped tie together a lot of loose ends, even if temporarily. The only thing I wish is that I'd been posting on here when I started reading it, as I've had lots of overwhelming thoughts I could have shared. It's taken from around March/April until now to finish it, I re-read quite a few chapters and took notes, allowed my mind to wonder/wander and absorb the information, it's been a buzz. Oh wow, it's been such a buzz.

I've yet to read his two other books, Far Journeys (1985) and Ultimate Journey (1994), so it'll be interesting to see how his validity holds. Apparently, according to some reviews, they get a bit far out (or further out, depending on your initial stance). That's part of the enjoyment, I can't tell you how enthusiastic I am to get around to them! Before that though I'm going to begin with Kundalini Tales by Richard Sauder - I read an excerpt online here and thought it would be worth getting hold of a copy. Richard seems to have had a respect for Robert Monroe's work, however, as he noted himself, the connections between the Monroe Institute and the military intelligence are dubious and worth being aware of. Still, this could be innocent enough and it'd be unwise to discount Monroe's work completely on that connection alone, and I know firsthand that much of what he says in Journeys Out of the Body is truthful. Additionally, if a government orders an institute to comply, there are surely two options: comply or decline and expect to be met with hostility.

I already know one of the subject matters in Far Journeys, since I read a couple of reviews on it. Apparently it delves into the topic of energy harvesting (or the peculiarly termed 'loosh farming'), which I've been fascinated with for a few months and I didn't realise he had written about the subject in one of his books, so that's a bit of synchronicity. Until I entertained the concept of some of these 'wackier' theories, I totally avoided them, considering them to be ridiculous. It seems like natural progression to move on to them and give them a chance, well, that's what I've done and I can't ignore how much this resonated with me. It'll be compelling to read what Monroe had to say on the matter way back then. The fact that the military were in correspondence with him, does that insinuate that his works were heavily propagandised or does it indicate that they knew he had valuable information and therefore were using him to obtain additional data? I'm in two minds about it, but would suspect if it's not just for the latter then it's for both of those purposes. The U.S. military clearly had a vested interest in the Monroe Institute, as they confirmedly sent officers there in the 70s and 80s for out-of-body training.

An elderly Robert Monroe.

Robert Monroe died in 1995, aged 79. His research has been continued by members of his family. The Monroe Institute still exists to this day and is based in Virginia, United States, with facilitators of the programs to be found in many countries.

Fear Loves This Place

Fear is something that we all face in our lives, on a personal level - we all have hurdles to overcome - and on a macrocosmic scale. Irrational fears are important only when they are faced, accepted, experienced, comprehended or rationalised. It's like a depth from which springs forth tests or puzzles that we must solve. And what if there were no wrong answers, just our own interpretations of the situations, the way only we are biologically or environmentally prepared to have? The reward being that we choose to be tested; we develop and flourish.

Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed. - Terence McKenna, excerpt from 'Unfolding the Stone'.

In that sense, fear is only beneficial to us when we embrace it. It becomes a catalyst for change and growth. Creatures of habit that we are, many of us secretly fear change. So a fear of fear itself, a fear of what it might do, what it might present. And it's on a larger scale that we're kept in this state of flux, this psychological space, not really knowing what we're afraid of - we just are - even if we're no longer conscious of it - it has become an automatic response. The media and the powers that be employ such techniques to psychologically weaken us and dominate over us. There is no worth in accepting that this occurs without doing something about it. People cough up the same pathetic excuses, like when they say there's nothing that can be done. They've accepted defeat, they've been suppressed, they're now a part of the problem and there is nothing admirable about that. The truth is we can do anything and everything from an individual perspective. We don't have to be party to their politics; lets focus on the personal. There are always systems it seems, some form of hierarchy within nature, but right now we have to stop and realise that we don't need them when they do nothing to serve and elevate us.

What is it about fear though? Why is it so drawn to this place? The obvious answer is that it's being used as a means to weaken people, so they're more dependent on the system that enforces it. This is basic psychology. I suppose with all my research in the last year and ten months, it has brought me to a point recently where I'm not satisfied with the conclusions I've drawn so far. I'm thinking increasingly outside of the box, which is something I've always done, but in terms of research I consider it to be the natural progression when one has not found the answers they're looking for. It's at least important to accept other possibilities. Consequently, I've been entertaining the idea that the hierarchy and control might extend beyond this realm of existence. Is it possible that the elite group have an intrinsic need to deal us this fate? Could our fear and emotional energy be essential to them on some incorporeal level?

From a psychological standpoint, experiments have been undertaken and the findings imply that there are abnormalities in the brain structure of psychopaths. And a disproportionate amount of psychopaths can be found in high places, because of their ruthless and predatory nature. Good introductory reading material on the subject is The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. It seems as likely a reason as any for why these leaders are doing what they're doing, but it wouldn't rule out the possibility of them working in cahoots with interdimensional entities. Not necessarily consciously either; chances are they'd be as exploited as we are. What if something is feeding on our fear? What if something is using our energy, our life-force, as a food source?

Attracted to Infertility

This morning I woke with these words in mind: 'attracted to infertility'. It's not been uncommon in the last year or so to wake with words, sentences, ideas, answers or theories. I can usually apply them at once to my current situation, they'll relate to where I'm at on this journey of mine. I understand this as information learnt in the 'second state' and then passed successfully or unsuccessfully from the subconscious to the conscious mind. That doesn't mean it'll make sense, it can be a mistranslation by the brain. Sometimes it'll be symbols or a sense of something, an impression on the conscious mind which I suppose is able to be observed more thoughtfully.

Naturally I turned my attention to the dream I'd had which preceded the words, not necessarily the last dream before waking, but the one that was clearest in my mind. There was nothing spectacular about it, though it was pleasant enough. The predominant theme I took from it was one of acceptance, generosity and warmth. The fact that I seek this in reality and have yet to find it, and in the dream I was in contact with this - so it was an expression of a desire of mine; an unmet or unfulfilled desire. It was a brief encounter with a friendship group who were so accepting, unique and diverse, very warm and loving and responsive and generous. I think I was attracted to them, especially the females, not for sexual reasons, but for this quality they had. It's not something you can fabricate. Does this translate to 'attracted to infertility'? That it's not about the physical; it's about admiration and a host of pre-existing sensations that most of us have forgotten about or been made to forget. That it's not about sexual responses; it's about passion and compassion and fulfilment. It's about intellectual stimulation. It's about pure attraction as it is, no more. Though, if that is the meaning of the waking words, it's an abstract way of putting it. The subconscious mind is certainly a mystery to the conscious mind.

Then I thought of the moon as a symbol of fertility and wondered what would be the antithesis to this. I've yet to find one. Attracted to a light or dark side of life?

Or maybe it was a way of warning me of the effect of my deteriorating health. I've had a cyst on my thyroid (which I presume to be overactive or underactive thyroid) for over a year and still haven't sought medical advice, which is irresponsible I realise. Apparently, upon doing a quick search, poor thyroid function may affect fertility. In fact, what does poor thyroid health not affect? It's of crucial importance to the continued well-being of the body. So, are the words 'attracted to infertility' more literal, implying that the longer I leave this disease untreated, the more damage I'm doing? Attracted to the opposite of creation: chaos and self-destruction?