Can of Worms

The last thing I should probably do is express doubt on here, as that's often viewed as a weakness and it's really important to maintain vision or focus when working with a medium like this. But I'm going to accept it as part of the natural course of soul-searching, rather than deny the emotion - I guess you have to expect to draw a blank from time to time.

These are some thoughts I'm dealing with recently, which are magnified tonight, and by divulging them perhaps it will make them dissipate or help me to process them.

I'm experiencing a crisis of faith, though I know it is temporary. It's a catalyst for resolution; about picking apart beliefs before reconstruction with the intention of strengthening them. Frequently I ask myself if I'm delusional, I stop for a moment to consider what I'm doing, but this never persists for more than a minute; I quickly remember that there is too much evidence to the contrary which proves the reality of such atrocities. All one has to do is look. These minor periods of doubt are a necessary measure to demonstrate to the self that a level of rationality is preserved, likely a defence mechanism, not to be disregarded.

Religion causes internal and external conflict. Religion is not something I follow, yet still it's at odds with my beliefs. This may have its merits, as it serves to deprecate or condemn practices which may not be so trustworthy. Religion was started innocently enough, a yearning within us all?

I realise I've opened a can of worms with this pursuit of mine. Sometimes I experience moments where I'm unable to see a practical way out of this, extensive as it is, a series of images, a collage of screaming mouths beneath a strobe light.

I watched some archive footage online (Robert Monroe's Out of Body Experiences), he seems honest and admits that he started the experiments for selfish reasons, wanting to better understand his condition, but a lot of what he says seems confused, he falters often, he desperately wants to provide the answers. This is a man who was really no better for his research by the end, that's the feeling I had. Journeys Out of the Body is still a profound book upon first read-through, I can't dismiss that, whereas the footage is from 1992, which would make Bob Monroe about 76, and what he had to say didn't sit well with me. Maybe it's my fault, jumping from his early experiences to his later and trying to comprehend a man who has been through what he has - I imagine as Far Journeys and Ultimate Journey go, they'll touch upon what he talks about. Maybe he wasn't able to disclose particular information, maybe he's deliberately vague, perhaps it's salesmanship - to encourage people to seek out his books and products. First and foremost he was a businessman, who just happened to have these mystical experiences, which is why I was sceptical when I began his book. No matter what, it was a successful business venture. Either way, someone out there knows the potential that exists within us and decides to profit from that, because many of the experiences I can vouch for. Robert's explanations in the video are overcomplicated, didn't seem believable, but then this complexity is to be expected when looking into the unknown. He spoke of 'imaginary' friendships with entities (or energies), without coming across like a total kook, but the interactions as he describes them I found to be questionable. Were these 'astral' experiences, or did he start to confuse hallucinations for reality as time went on? Not to undermine the bloke's intelligence, it just has to be asked. Were these beings of light or beings of false light; was he led astray?

This is where Christianity affects/concerns me, the claims of all mystical experiences being deceptive outside of Jesus' teachings. Everything becomes so confused and diluted. Who would want to follow Christianity (or any religion for that matter)? Even if they were true, why should I want to suck up to that image of God? That's the extent of what I see, too often the followers are sycophantic and I can't for one moment believe that any divine being is going to be worthy of that. I could not serve something like that. I reject the ego-centric God.

There are some reliable ideas or principles throughout most religion, or a reminder of what not to do when they turn fanatical. Perhaps Christianity is right, perhaps mysticism is a trap - the apple as a lure - the search for knowledge/enlightenment - activation of the pineal gland and awakening of the kundalini...

Still, religion alienates, divides.

Through all of the societal corruption, could this still be a path to evolution? Can the corruption be forgiven, accepted as implicit in human nature? Is it a requirement to break emotion down, is that the way of the future? Nietzsche's ubermensch (superman). Sterility.